Except they are dead serious.
I will admit, I have had a love/hate relationship with Urban for years. When they first opened up they were great. You’d walk in, find a sweater that you, omg, like, have to have or you’ll die. Where do I get $138? Moooooooommmmm! They basically sold kids an identity. They just sold all of the kids that came into the store the exact same identity. Nothing new here. It’s just that everything was crazy overpriced. And you’d think that once kids got older and learned the value of a dollar they would outgrow the store. Nothing has changed and I get why kids/young adults shop there. Been there, done that. But I still see a lot people my age (ok, maybe a little younger in some cases) wearing this stuff. FYI, you silly little hipsters, you aren’t witty or unique for shopping here. You just look like everyone else. Everything is mass-produced, and badly. Everything I have ever purchased at Urban started to pill or fall apart pretty quickly. But then there are the times that I love Urban Outfitters. I still have the omg I have to have that or I’m going to die moment. I just accept the fact that I’m spending way too much money on something that won’t last.
So all of this being said, I just came across the Early Fall catalog and now I just flat-out don’t get it. Someone has got to be playing a joke on all of us. If I had the time or space to dissect every single page I would (and could) but it’s too much for my brain to handle.
Let’s just start with the cover. First of all, where are they getting these people? Aren’t models supposed to be good-looking? These kids look like heroin addicts. And not in a Kate Moss kind of way. Plus they look like they’ve just walked out of a Good Will and made a killing. Which would be preferable.
Ok, here we are at picture number two and that guy with the haircut is already annoying me. Why is he smirking like that? Oh, wait, I see. It’s because he took the laces out of the chick’s boots on the right. She was obviously too distracted trying to turn her blank stare into the blue steel when he was doing so. She needs more practice. Hopefully we’ll all see her fall on her face before we’re done here.
Ah, yes. The classic game of shared cup. I always win at this game. “Hey dudes, after this let’s go to the diner. I’ll bring my man clutch. And my stupid haircut.” “Sweet, I have a big stain on my sweater, but I’m going to wear it anyway.”
Ok, this one might be my favorite. Why the fuck is that guy crying??? Maybe if he got better at playing shared cup he wouldn’t be such a sore loser. I can’t even describe what else is going on here. Dude on the left must be into yoga. And I don’t know where this blond guy came from, but hopefully he can cheer up the rest of the group.
THIS GUY. What are you wearing on your feet? Those are lady moccasins! Take those off right now! I mean, your friend looks like a bama too, but you are just out of control.
Swing kids meet School Ties? Guy on the left is pissed because he’s getting beat up after school and he knows his friend is going to bail on him to hang out with the new chick in the weird library. “I’m sorry man, I got to touch fingers with Stacey. Couldn’t make it.”
I don’t think I even need to touch this one. Get worse Urban Outfitters.