Desk Comedy

I found an envelope on my desk this morning:

The red ink is intriguing, no?

IT's JIMMY

Oh, good.  A Jimmy Buffet cassette tape. Useful in so many ways.

I am surrounded by comedians.

 

George R. R. Martin might be killing me

I just finished “A Feast For Crows,” the fourth book in George R. R. Martin’s “A Song of Ice and Fire Series. I have previously grumbled about this:http://wp.me/pROJ9-kQ  This book was an intense 1000 pages. They are all intense, but this was  a different sort of intense from the first three books.  Martin actually apologizes at the end and explains that after writing thousands of pages, he knew he was going to have to split the book in two.  Instead of writing about the characters chronologically, he wrote about them by location (north and south.) Therefore he only wrote what was happening to half the characters.  And he left out the better half of the characters for the most part.  I’m not saying that the book was bad by any means, just not what I was hoping for.  There were some very satisfying goings on right at the end, but I won’t spoil it. But I definitely I need a breather after this.  You know you’re reading something great when you feel emotionally exhausted by the end of it.  My husband is halfway through the fifth book(A Dance With Dragons.)  I keep looking at those 1300 pages and I’m not ready.  There are still a few more books in the series that have yet to be written, so I don’t see any real rush to get through the next one.  Then I’ll just be waiting around. So I picked up The Help, by Kathryn Stockett (I think you’d have to be living under a rock to not know what this is at this point) in the airport on Friday and it is excellent so far.  I’m zipping right through it though and A Dance with Dragons keeps making eyes at me.

What are you reading?  I would love some recommendations.

Sunday Pins

It appears as though Valentine’s Day is upon us. Every year it sort of sneaks up on me. For the record, Valentine’s Day is not a big deal to me.  And I’m not just the girl who says that.  It really isn’t.  We’ll go out to dinner this year, but we’re taking Ava with us. No big deal.  I told my husband that if he wanted to buy me anything this year, he could hire a maid to come clean the house.  I came home Friday and was already cleaning all of the bathrooms yesterday.  Sigh. I do however like Valentine’s Day decor.  And because I was such a slacker at Christmas this year and didn’t do Christmas cards, we are sending out Valentine’s Day cards with a new picture of Ava in it.  And here are my Valentine’s Day pins:

Cheesecake brownies.  Yum.  And these look really easy to make.  Instructions are here:

http://www.thenovicechefblog.com/2012/01/marbled-red-velvet-cheesecake-brownies/

Although, is it just me, or do they look a little like raw meat? Maybe I’m just crazy.  But it may end up being a deterrent for me in the end.

I’ll have to make these for my husband for breakfast.  He’s nuts over those silly canned cinnamon rolls.  And these are an easy treat.

As much as I love Ava, I almost think it would be more entertaining to just send these cards out.  I’m going to print some out on card stock and send a few to my friends I think. Thank you for being a friend.

Now, what I would really like to do is have a little Valentine’s Day party.  But I don’t have time to pull anything together.  Not to mention that they still haven’t finished our floors and probably won’t for another two weeks.  But here is some party decor inspiration in case you plan on having one.

 

It’s been real, Tampa

Thanks for a great week Tampa, home to the most strip clubs I have ever seen in my life.  Not seen from the inside of course, but seen on the sides of the roads.  Not to mention tattoo parlors, and pirates.  Apparently I was in town just in time for Gasparilla, their annual pirate festival: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gasparilla_Pirate_Festival   I guess its exciting, as it had a very Mardi Gras feel to it, but I guess I’m just not into pirates. I did end up attending a pirate themed brunch, which still turned out to be a pretty cool event. I stayed in the historic district of Ybor City, which turned out to be a pretty cool place as well.  It was originally founded in the 1880s by cigar manufacturers and was populated by thousands of immigrants, mainly from Cuba, Spain and Italy. For the next 50 years, workers in Ybor City’s cigar factories would roll millions of cigars annually.  But now the blocks are filled with restaurants, nightlife and I guess shopping.  But the shopping was pretty lackluster, unless you’re searching for outfits you might want to wear on next week’s Jersey Shore. The district is really a party town.  I heard that Ybor City is referenced in the lyrics of the band The Hold Steady a lot.  I hate that band, but it has nothing to do with location.  The song “Killer Parties,” for instance, contains the line “Ybor City is très speedy, but they throw such killer parties.” Whatever. But if you’re ever in town, I can recommend the neighborhood.  It wasn’t as pretty as downtown around the convention center, where I spent the majority of my time, but it had more character and more to do.

It’s also home to GaYbor.  I wound up eating dinner in a place called “Hamburger Mary’s,” a hamburger joint/drag club and it had the sweetest boys working there.  I have to say I really enjoyed that cheeseburger. Not that I’ve ever met a cheeseburger that I don’t like.

Before this trip I had never eaten in a restaurant alone, but I managed to do it for the first time and feel comfortable.  I also met a lot of great people and some great girls to go out with one night. I had a blast. I also worked my butt off and learned a lot.  I saw some really amazing things and some really over the top things. For example:

These poor ladies couldn’t move.  I almost wonder if there was a tiny chair under there.  I can’t imagine throwing an event where I would find this necessary.

Same goes for this woman, except for what she’s showcasing.  A closer look:

BEDAZZLED BON BONS. I had one of these bad boys and it was everything I dreamed it would be and more. I could plan an entire event around these delights.

Did I mention that it was 80 degrees all week? My flip-flops did not want to go back in the suitcase, I assure you.  Next time I’ll rent a car and actually get to the beach.  But I’m glad to be home. So is my mini-me.

You can tell here that someone else has been dressing her.  Bless him.

Now, the diet starts tomorrow.  No more room service. Or cheeseburgers.

Sunday Pins

Tomorrow I head to my conference, aka, my first trip sans family. I’m incredibly nervous, but also pretty excited.  Didn’t lose that five pounds I had planned on, but I suppose I’ll get over it.  And I still haven’t finished packing.  Actually, that’s not true.  I packed and then I realized that I packed like a crazy person. Do I really need six pairs of shoes?  I had to reign myself in, so I pulled everything out.  I also thought to pack sweaters and then I checked the weather and its going to be 80 degrees and sunny all week.  I’m basically heading towards my heaven.  I’m bringing a suit jacket for the one day I’ll have to wear that and a jean jacket for night and calling it a day.  So today’s pins are all based on my imaginary wardrobe.  Basically the stuff that I wish I were taking with me.

I love this color combo.  As I get older I seem to acquire more and more shades of brown. I’m not really sure why, but I guess it’s better that wearing black all the time.

This outfit looks chic but comfy.  And these are actually good colors for me.  Gimmie.

There you are again brown. This would be perfect for one of my post conference networking events.

I love these shorts.  My husband thinks I’m crazy, but I wear shorts all year round. My office is super casual, as in, you literally wear whatever you want.  We just leave suits in the closet in case you need one.  I think that’s pretty common in tech oriented companies.  I was in the Facebook office not too long ago and it was like walking into Urban Outfitters.   So I have the constant internal struggle of not letting myself look like a complete ragamuffin when I leave the house. I am now an expert on dressing up jeans and shorts.  Nothing makes me happier than shorts, stockings and fab boots in the winter.  I honestly have more shorts now than skirts.  This outfit is very me for summer at work. Except I want to snag the chunky necklace from that girl.

I love this color.  I wish Pinterest would tell me where to find this because I’d go out and try it on.  I guess I should be glad it does not tell me for that very reason.  I could seriously just post outfits all day, but now I want to go shopping, so I need to stop.

Have a great Sunday everyone and a great week.  I’ll be back next week!

Oh Happy Day

I am in an incredibly good mood today.  I just had a lovely lunch with my dear friend who I haven’t seen in ages and we discussed our New Year resolutions.  Mine, “Do Not Engage” and his, “No Comment.”  We’re both doing amazingly well I’m happy to report.  I also get to leave work early today to pick up Ava and I’m heading for sunshine in a few days.  And now that the SOPA nonsense has died down, work has calmed down a bit too. You may or may not have noticed that I blacked out my blog on Wednesday.  SOPA been one of our biggest issues at work lately (I told you I was a tech-nerd) and we’re all in a kind of celebratory mood over here today because Congress came to their senses for a moment and pushed off the vote this week.  If you aren’t aware of it, SOPA stands for Stop Online Piracy Act.  And it was going to be terrible. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stop_Online_Piracy_Act

God help me I am talking about work.  I  must stop this nonsense right now.

I used to listen to this Killer’s song on repeat.  And its making the rounds on my happy playlist today.  So I share with you:

HAPPY FRIDAY EVERYONE.

So I Met A Guy

So I met this guy.  And no, it’s not what it sounds like.  I met this person through a friend.  So he’s a friend of a friend that I was just “lucky” enough to meet.  Probably best to leave it at that in case anyone ever comes across this. He is the absolute worst. I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt.  Contrary to popular belief, I do not always hate on sight.  I initially thought he was gay as a matter of fact. And I was actually a little excited to add some diversity to the atmosphere of the group. But then I saw his girlfriend. Who he made fun of. To her face. And not really in a funny way.  He only refers to her as “babe.” She was also gorgeous and he is definitely not.  So the whole thing was quite confusing to me.  But I moved on and tried to give him another shot. The problem is, he’s also slightly socially awkward, so having a discussion can be difficult.  Or so I thought anyway.  Then I  finally came to the realization that he was not really interested in talking to me.  He is also not amused by me.  You should have seen the look on his face when I made a joke.  It probably wasn’t the funniest thing I’ve ever said, but he literally did not even acknowledge that words had come out of my mouth. I don’t care if you don’t like me. We don’t all have to like each other.  But at least be polite. My friend says that “he hates women.”  So he’s THAT guy.

I honestly could care less, so I just forget about him.  Then we all head to a holiday party.  We end up in a car heading over together which is obviously awkward.  I have a car and he needed a ride.  I’m nice (well, I was nice until I wrote this blog about him.) At some point he mentions his girlfriend.  As if I care where his girlfriend is. I also still don’t know her name, because he continues to refer to her as “babe.” He then makes an effort to tell me about every going on in the city that he knows about.  Ok, you’re cool, I get it.  I’m going home after this to be with my kid, I don’t care.  After we get to the party and he has a few drinks he turns to the stereo and pops in some Jimmy Buffet and cranks it. Didn’t bother to ask anyone, mind you.  So now I’ve got a Parrot Head on my hands.  I thought I was going to die where I was standing.  We all carry on what we are doing while he’s standing there swaying along and nodding his head. I just can’t get behind Jimmy Buffet. I like beer as much as the next guy. Not to mention tropical beaches, palm trees, and breezy, summery pop songs. But “Margaritaville” and “Cheeseburger in Paradise” make me want to shoot my ears off.  And I’m not sure that’s even possible. I have to stop thinking about Jimmy Buffet before this gets ugly.  Moving on…

Saturday afternoon.  It’s a lovely, yet strangely warm, 65 degree day in December. I walk by Starbucks and who do I see sitting outside working on his laptop? That’s right. There he is. And not only is he working on his laptop (he’s not that busy, I assure you,) but he’s got his earpiece on while he’s typing at a rapid pace. And he’s wearing a tank top. A tank top. “Hey everybody, come and see how good I look.”  My friend drew up a little illustration for me.  He’s not sitting, but you get the idea of what I’m dealing with.

I’m hoping he was coming from the gym before heading to Starbucks to look busy.  Maybe the tank top would be more acceptable.  For some reason, I found myself thinking about what music he would listen to at the gym.  And then I drafted (with help) the ultimate d-bag playlist.  The commentary next to some of the songs is not my own, but due to its hilarity I am leaving it in.

 
Party Rock – LMFAO
Sexy and I know it – LMFAO
Shots- LMFAO
It’s getting hot in here – Nelly
I’m too sexy – Right Said Fred
Back that ass up- Juvenile
I know you want me- Pitbull
Bringing Sexy Back- Justin Timberlake
This is why I’m hot -A Guido
Boom Boom Boom – Black Eyed Peas
Dog Pound – Snoop
Air Force Ones – Nelly ft St. Lunitics
Nookie – Limp Bizkit (this song was the shit back in 6th grade)
Best I’ve Ever Had – Drake (this song was chosen bc you wanna show your girl you still miss her while liftin them weights…shorty knows what I mean)
Empire State of Mind – Jay Z (all New Yorkers love this song and its a great song to listen to before heading out for a weekend trip to NYC after hitting the heavy bag at the gym)
99 Problems – Jay Z
In the Club – 50 Cent
Livin on the Edge – Aerosmith
Sandstorm
We Must Stand Together – Nickleback
Tonight – Enrique Iglesias
Look at Me Know – Chris Brown

Feel free to add-on to the playlist.  I’m going to dj at the gym next week.  Ok, that’s a lie.  But feel free to add-on anyway if you so choose.

 

Is Your Toddler A Psychopath?

I came across this list this morning and it was too good not to share.  Too good, meaning too true. I’m surprised I have never seen this site before actually. I thought I had seen all the baby sites at this point (I was a crazy preggo.)

Written by Rhiana Maidenberg,  she explains that in 1980, Robert Hare, a professor of psychology at the University of British Columbia, developed a 16-point checklist for determining whether a person was technically a psychopath.  After reviewing his list, she took a look at the daily behavior of her two toddler girls and concluded that a psychopath is just really a person who has never grown out of the toddler stage.

The comments to the list are kind of ridiculous. The woman is obviously trying to be funny and I would have assumed that most parents to toddlers would’ve gotten a good laugh out of her comparisons, but some folks took it a little too literally.  Shocking I know.

Check it out:

http://www.babble.com/toddler/toddler-behavior-learning/toddler-psychopath-funny/?page=1

 

 

Golden Globes

I finally got the devil baby, I mean my darling child, to go to bed for the evening.  So let’s get down to business. Golden Globes business.  I typically turn on the pre-show before the awards so I can see what everyone is wearing, but I got started a little late last night. The first person I saw was Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.  And I heard Brad’s voice.  His voice is just so very…Brad? I just kept wondering to myself, how does one wake-up every morning to Brad Pitt?  Besides the very obvious fact that he’s gorgeous.  His voice is so beautiful. I think I would wake up in awe every single morning.  You’re a lucky woman, Angelina. You blood wearing, self-harming, girl-interrupted, you.

I usually tune-in early and turn it off early as well because I just get so bored with it all.  They recap the winners the next day, what’s the big deal?  But I was oddly into it last night.  Seth Rogen was actually funny. I used to think he was funny, but then he turned into that Ben Stiller funny.  As in, he played virtually the same exact character every single role.  It wears thin after awhile.  But I actually found myself laughing.  I was also thrilled that Peter Dinklage won for his role in Game of  Thrones (Nerds Unite!) Jessica Lange looked amazing and I love that she kept her speech short.  Pretty sure she’s had some serious stuff done to her face, but I guess I just expect it at this point.  She’s no Joan Rivers yet.  Clive Owen looked delicious as always and I was surprised as all get out to see Matt LeBlanc.  I had no idea he was still on tv.  Jury is still out whether or not he and Tony Danza might actually be related.

But I have a couple of questions.  Let’s start with Thomas Jane. Why in the world are you wearing that stupid hat?  Were you hoping that people would talk about your hat and not your penis for one evening?  My guess is that you were probably successful in that venture.

Sarah Michelle Gellar – please excuse my french, but what the fuck is that dress?

My toddler has impeccable taste.

Really, wtf?  Tie -dye? Who wears tie-dye to an awards show? Or maybe anywhere for that matter. She said that she let her two-year old pick out her dress.  That’s actually code, meaning she looked in the mirror before she left the house and knew that the dress was wrong.  It was probably just too late to take it off.  A stylist may be fired over that one.  Freddie must have been doing his hair when this decision was being made.

Hey everybody, come and see how good I look.

And Madonna, what, who, where?  I don’t even know how to start.  I used to love you.  I had respect for you.  You were a trail-blazer.  But what exactly is that accent? Pretty sure you grew up in Detroit.  Is that how they speak in Michigan these days?  And that foreign movies introduction.  Pretty sure I filled my nightly quota of pretentious right there.  So thanks. But I certainly will be sure not to say anything about it if I ever meet you. Because your arms are terrifying.  Truly, I would not mess with you.  This picture does not do them justice, but its close enough for me to be uncomfortable. And unlike Jessica Lange, your face is in dangerous territory.  Keep it up and you will achieve Joan Rivers status.

I will destroy you.

The best part of the evening though was Morgan Freeman being honored with the Cecil B. DeMille Award.  To be praised by film great Sidney Poitier is honor enough.  I loved every minute of his introduction.  As well as Helen Mirren’s part.  That woman is just delightful. Oddly enough, I was actually surprised during Freeman’s film montage.  I’m sure most people were.  Who knew he was on a kid’s show?

Hilarious, albeit a bit strange.

If anyone has an explanation for the above fashion choices, please let me know.

And some days are hard

Patience is truly a virtue my friends.  And it’s not something I have in abundance. Add that to an anxiety disorder and you sometimes come up with less than fun results.  I have it in check most of the time, but it raises its ugly head once in a while. I’ve been running on fumes lately and I’m exhausted. And now I’ve got a cold. So I’m already a bit cranky to begin with. Now enter a clingy two-year old. She’s my mini-me and I love spending time with her more than anyone else, but good lord sometimes I just need five minutes to breathe.  Even on a good day.  But she is going through a “mommy phase” and does not want to hang out with daddy. All kids this age are all about mommy, but she doesn’t want him to do anything. She won’t even let him help her wash her hands after she eats. Every attempt ends up with a screaming “No! Mommy do it!”  Today she even told him he couldn’t talk to me. “Don’t talk to mommy. She’s not your mommy.  She’s MY mommy.”  Poor guy is trying to help, but she is having no part in it. And therefore I cannot get a break. Plus, I know it really hurts his feelings.  She will get over this phase soon I’m sure, but he likes to play with her and he’s really pulling out all the stops to no avail.

Today I played, colored, ate, crafted, etc. through sheer exhaustion, because that’s what mommies do(and what I enjoy doing,) but a headbutt to the chin causing me to bite my lip almost sent me into tailspin. You would’ve thought  I’d been punched in a face by a grown man.  Ava wanted an afternoon bath and I gladly agreed and had my husband come upstairs to keep an eye on her so I could hide in my bathroom and cry it out and get rid of the stupid shakes. It was ridiculous how upset I was. Sometimes my anxiety gets the best of me and it is the absolute worst. Especially on days like today because it forced me to walk away from my kid. But its walk away or lose my shit in front of her and I  just don’t want that.  And then my husband walks in to witness it and thinks he’s done something wrong, when of course he hasn’t, so now I’ve got guilt on top of everything else and it just makes the anxiety attack that much longer.

Curse you “I don’t let my kid watch tv” moms, because its 5pm and I’ve just sat Ava down in front of ‘Super Why?’ and that’s where she’ll stay until dinner.  Because on rare occasions my mental health has to come first.  But now that I’ve typed this all up I feel so much better.  Blogging really can be cathartic at times. Maybe I’ll be back after Ava’s bedtime to complain about the Golden Globes and Madonna’s scary arms.