My American Idol Confusion

Why am I watching this show?  What the hell is Randy Jackson wearing?  If I lit a match near Ryan Seacrest’s hair would it catch fire?  So many questions.

It’s become clear to me now that I have a love/hate relationship with this show.  I watched the first season in 2002 with Kelly Clarkson.  Then she went on to film the movie “From Justin to Kelly” and I said I wasn’t watching the show again because that was just nonsense. But Season 2 came around and before the end I was sucked back in.  Then I said I wasn’t watching anymore and meant it.  I made it a few years. In 2007 my roommate and I would have it on in the background occasionally, but I didn’t pay much attention to it.  But then Season 8 came on and I was back again, thanks to Adam Lambert.  Because God knows I can’t resist an androgynous rockstar.  For example:

 

Exceptions:

And this guy who also happens to be a child molester.

 

Anyhoo. Adam Lambert was awesome.  So I was clearly a fan of the show again.  Even if I wished I wasn’t.  And to be fair, I’ve only heard one of Adam’s post Idol songs and it sucks. Bummer.  Let’s move onto the present because I don’t really care that much about last year.  Now we’ve got (1) loony tunes Steven Tyler, who actually kind of cracks me up.  I couldn’t figure out why the hell someone like him would do Idol at first. But he can’t tour anymore due to that head injury last year (sleeping pills when you’re not sleeping – brilliant) and he clearly loves the spotlight, so it actually makes sense in a way.  Plus, plastic surgery is expensive.  Someone’s got to pay his doctor’s bills.  (2) JLo, who almost (I said almost) makes me like her because she’s so effing nice and (3) old standby what’s up dogg Randy Jackson.  But overall there’s really nothing new here and I’ve had a really hard time figuring out why I just can’t turn it off.  Everyone says Reality shows are like car crashes.  They can’t turn away.  But I don’t think that’s it here.
Is it that I can listen to cheesy songs that I secretly love but wouldn’t otherwise listen to in public?  Maybe.  Is it because I like hating on people?  Probably. I don’t really have an answer. But the odds of me being able to turn it off this season are pretty slim.

 

You used to be cool, Monopoly

I think this version of Monopoly could’ve single-handedly changed my entire childhood.  No more cheating? Someone always cheated in Monopoly.  My best friend had it down to a science.  You always knew he was cheating, but could never be sure exactly how.  He had lightening quick hands I suppose.

This version of Monopoly doesn’t use money in cash form and therefore has no designated banker.  No sliding $100 bills under the board to use later.  No swiping from the bank when the banker goes to the bathroom. You are given ATM-like cards which you slide in and out of a tower in the center of the board.  So when you pass go, you insert your card to receive your $200.  The tower uses infrared technology to keep track of money and make sure everyone follows the rules.  That’s right, infrared technology.   It has a speaker that announces the rules and makes sure you move the proper amount of spaces.  I don’t know about you, but I’m kind of afraid of the tower.  It’s starting to sound like the all-knowing eye of Sauron.  For those of you non-geeks, Sauron is the Dark Lord (of the Rings)who keeps an unceasing watch on the lands and kingdoms of Middle-earth. Basically, a badass.

So with free digital games everywhere, the board game market is not what it once was.  So the idea is to revive interest in kids.  I’m not a kid, so maybe that’s why I don’t like the sound of it. First of all, It’s called “Monopoly Live.”  Makes me think that Ryan Seacrest might be the voice in the tower. Also, there aren’t even dice to roll.  In order to move, you place your hand over your game piece and said scary tower tells you how many spaces you are allowed to move.  Hasbro execs are saying that kids today don’t want to bother with the rule books and that people don’t have attention spans like they used to or the time to dedicate to these types of activities.  I am fairly certain I had more attention span for Monopoly as a kid than I do now.  And if a computer is running the show, the need for skill is taken away.  Call me old-fashioned, but I thought that was kind of the point.  Not that I ever won.  Plus, I liked the idea that kids actually had to use their brains to count their money.  Now they don’t need to count or read.

I can’t seem to figure out whether there is a “Get out of Jail Free” card or not.  And if I don’t have that to argue over, then I definitely don’t want to play.

It’s Grammy time.

I have a love-hate relationship with awards shows. I have to watch them. All of them. I just can’t stop myself. I think I wear the same few outfits over and over again but still follow fashion in a feverish manner. Big Daddy won’t even stay in the room. He hates them first of all, but he also knows I’m going to hate my way through the whole thing. He’s smart, that man of mine.

I hate the babble on these shows. Ryan Seacrest might the the most annoying person on the planet. Minus Joan Rivers and her soon to be equally terrifying looking daughter. But there’s no sign of any Rivers women during the Grammys, so I’m off the hook tonight. Annoying as they may be, I sit my butt on this couch and watch the entire pre-show so I can get a better look at what everyone is wearing (or not wearing.) So, I’m writing this as I watch. Here’s Kelly Osborne. Why is she everywhere now? She loses twenty pounds and now she’s a fashion expert? Don’t get me wrong, I give her credit for turning herself around and I saw her on the cover of Shape Magazine looking super hot, but I’m still not ready to follow fashion cues from her. To be fair, I felt the same way when Nicole Richie went through her transformation.  But where is Nicole now, anyway?

Dear God, Lady Gaga is bat shit crazy.  In another life I probably would’ve hated her.  But in this life, I effing love her.  I can’t believe she just showed up in an egg “incubating.”  Seriously, what?  I love how she still manages to surprise me. Her new single is totally a blast from the past Madonna style, but she is kind of the Madonna of our generation, so it makes sense in a way.

Ugh.  John Mayer.  Johnny Depp wants his haircut back. I don’t even want to talk about you.

TIA CARRERE????  Where the eff did she come from and who is that little dude with her?  He’s not worthy! He’s not worthy!

Kim Kardashian just called herself a bronze trophy.  Sigh.  I thought I would blog through this entire pre-show, but there’s too much hate.  At least the Arcade Fire is performing tonight. But in the meantime, Mommy is going to get a pinot.

Did I mention that I love award shows?