I learned a valuable lesson today. The same lesson I have already learned several times over. Newsflash: taking your two-year old shopping is NOT a good idea. I don’t care if she’s good in the grocery store. I don’t care if she’s been a princess all week and listened to your every word for days. Once you step foot in that mall, it’s a free for all. Does your two-year old want to sit in a dressing room while you try on clothes? “Ava, how does this look? Do you like this one?” No dude. Sometimes my brain packs its bags and takes off for some R&R and leaves me behind with ridiculous thoughts. I don’t quite know what I was thinking this morning but it obviously did not go so hot. The first store was fine actually and I did manage to make it through one dressing room fitting. But from there on it was baby on the floor with legs in the air every 10 minutes until we made it out the door. I am not a patient person everyone. But somehow I manage to keep my cool with her. I just let her have her fit right in the middle of the mall. I honestly could give a crap less what anyone else thinks. She needs to get it out or it’s not going to get better. Typically anyway. But today was a special sort of day. The kind of day that I was not going to win. I eventually just picked her up and marched back out the door.
All I know is that Momma needs new clothes, she got a bigger bonus than she was expecting, and somebody’s husband is staying home while I hit the mall tomorrow. Happy New Year to me!
I see you 2012. And the annual “do we go out or do we stay in?” dilemma is upon us. Before we headed home from Christmas dinner the in-laws offered to keep Ava so we could go out on New Year’s Eve. I just laughed. Because sadly, we have nothing to do! Do we spend a bunch of money and get all dolled up for an all-you-can-drink event? Negative. Do we sit at the neighborhood bar and drink ourselves silly? Negative. Do we have a party and deal with the mess? I don’t think so. Do we go to a movie and call it a night? Maybe. But we do have some people we’d like to spend time with. But what to do?
To be honest, I have never been a big fan of New Year’s events. It’s always anti-climatic. You make these grand plans, go out and buy a new outfit, put on too much make-up and expect something magical to happen. But it generally ends up being just like any other night, or its a night stuffed in tight quarters with a bunch of drunken fools spilling stuff on your new shoes. Aka. Amateur night.
I don't want to hang out with any of you.
I guess I have three days to figure this out. What are you guys doing for New Years?
Well Christmas has come and gone and I hope everyone survived. We actually had a fairly low-key holiday. My dad was well enough to come and looked really great, so I am a happy camper. But this child of mine got SO much stuff. I don’t even know how to describe how much stuff she got, except to say that I actually took some toys and hid them in a closet for a later date. Three kids lap-tops and three keyboards, really? Between Santa, my parents, the in-laws and friends (plus my sister’s friends!) Ava made out like a bandit. I want Ava to have everything of course, but I also do not want to have a spoiled terror running around. I grew up with some of those and still know some, so that is just not happening. I am on vacation this week so Ava and I are going to go through her toys and pick some to give away to kids less-fortunate. But I don’t want to give to the typical Goodwill or Salvation Army. It turns out that most organizations will not take used toys however, so I’m still searching for the best place. It looks like a church might be our best bet. Or the Humane Society, but they resell the items and the money helps support the animals. While I like animals more than most people, I was interested in the toys going directly to children. It looks like I need to do more research. If anyone has any ideas/suggestions for the DC Metro area, please send them my way!
I’m hoping to make this a yearly tradition and teach Ava early that she can and should help others that are less fortunate.
And here ladies and gentlemen are the top ten people who made me want to crawl under a rock this year.
10. Dan Snyder (Still)
How I hate thee. You are the worst thing to happen to the Redskins in their entire history and they are doomed until you sell the team. From the second you showed up in 1999 the team has sucked. Might have something to do with the fact that the Redskins have had seven head coaches in twelve years. Year after year you blow money on expensive free agents and trade away draft picks for older players. Why a team of old men is better suited to win games than a group of strapping young men is completely beyond me. Pretty sure I know more about football than you.
I myself am a reformed Jersey Shore watcher. It finally got to the point when I just said “what am I doing?” These people are famous because they are spoiled, drunken brats. And because of the show they now have books, workout videos, and even vodka sponsorships. Why in God’s name didn’t I have a reality show when I was younger? I would be SO RICH. Also, hasn’t anyone else noticed that these people are all creepy looking? I’m not sure if creepy is even the right word. But it sure is nicer than saying ugly. And I am so nice. This is the world we live in and its actually quite sad.
8. Herman Cain
I hate talking politics. So I’m not doing a deep dive here. But I’m almost entirely convinced that Herman Caine ran for president merely to get more chicks. So it was extra cool when he suspended his campaign by saying that his wife and family come first. And then he followed that up by using a quote from Pokemon. I love when stupid outdoes itself. How entertaining for me.
7. Ke$sha.
I don’t even know where to start on this one. Oh, wait, yes I do. There is a MOTHER-EFFING DOLLAR SIGN IN YOUR NAME. Thank you for encouraging young girls to go drink a handle of whiskey and then drive around looking for dudes twice your age. And you “sing” like a cat in heat. There is so much to hate about this girl, but I think I’ll leave it here before I go off on a rant and end up pissed off for the rest of the day. No one wants that.
Five seconds away from being chosen for Mugatu's 2011 Derelicte campaign.
6. Charlie Sheen
This is kind of a no-brainer. What a shit-show. While I admit I was pretty entertained at first it got old pretty quickly ( http://wp.me/pROJ9-bK). If I hear someone say WINNING one more time. Get over it.
5. Lindsay Lohan
Lindsay, do yourself (and everyone else) a favor and just go away. You have killed your reputation and probably most of your brain cells and irritated the living crap out of the rest of us. Enough is enough. Plus, your plastic surgery face is depressing. But Hugh Hefner says this of her playboy shoot: “this is a born-again beginning for Lindsay. I think there’s a rooting interest for her.” Right.
the face of an angel
4. Nickleback
I’m not sure if Nickleback really belongs on this list. Because they are actually the most annoying band of all time. I am fairly certain that anyone not a pre-teen will agree with this. According to Urban Dictionary:
a mediocre somewhat popular nu-metal band, this time, from Canada, which isn’t a surprise considering their musical track record (Avril, Celine Dion, Barenaked Ladies, etc). Lead singer Chad is an extremely nasal “Marlboro Man” type vocalist who sounds constipated on a permanent basis. Guitar consists mostly of easy-to-play power chords that give the band a “tough” sound to the untrained ear, but a closer look reveals a band that has nothing to offer creatively. They were recently exposed recycling their music in their two hit singles, “How You Remind Me” and “Someday”, which sound nearly identical when played simultaneously.
3. Michaele Salahi
Poor Michaele. The Real Housewives of DC were the first of the Housewives series to be canceled. Someone should have told her that DC is where reality television goes to die. Then she gets kicked off of Celebrity Rehab. You know, because you need to actually be addicted to something other than stupid. She was obviously already on the list with her famous White House crashing incident. She also told everyone that she was a former Redskins cheerleader, which has proven false. But I’m keeping her on the list this year mainly due to the fact that she ran off with Neal Schon, guitarist for Journey. One because its Journey and two because we’ve had to listen to all the whining from her equally irritating husband Tareq. Also, Schon was two months into a new marriage which he stated he was leaving to be with Michaele. Her name isn’t even Michaele. It’s Michelle.
2. Glenn Beck (Still)
Glenn Beck is so stupid that I actually laugh at a lot of what he says. When my dad isn’t in the room at least. There was the time he said Obama was racist, or the time he compared Al Gore to Hitler, or the time he said those people losing their homes in California to the forest fires had it coming.
My favorite:
“When I see a 9/11 victim family on television, or whatever, I’m just like, ‘Oh shut up’ I’m so sick of them because they’re always complaining.” –”The Glenn Beck Program,” Sept. 9, 2005
Stephen King once called him “Satan’s mentally challenged younger brother.” Seems right coming from him. (Is that guy ever not thinking about something scary, btw?)
1. Kim Kardashian
I cannot tell a lie. I’ve seen Keeping up with the Kardashians. More than once. But I swear it was only a few times. I will not turn it on in fear that I will be sucked into that nonsense again. Kim Kardashian’s voice is so God awful that I cringe whenever she opens her mouth. Do I even need to go into the wedding/divorce catastrophe? I don’t care if she did it for publicity or love. I just want people to stop talking about it. If you keep talking about it she will NEVER go away. I asked my sister if she actually knew where any Kim’s clothes were sold and she was like “yeah, Sears.” There was no hesitation in her voice. FML.
And let’s not forget this little number. So much talent.
Runners up: Ashton Kutcher, Miley Cyrus, A-Rod, the rest of the Kardashians and Michael Lohan.
This is obviously a pretty hateful list. But that’s just what I do. Plus, doesn’t it depress you to know that this is the world we are raising our children in? This is why I always have my nose in a Harry Potter book or why I’ve read Peter Pan and the like one million times. Even as an adult, I struggle with the reality of our world around me. I hate these people.
Someone make it stop. Because I just can’t look away from this train wreck. I’m sorry, but Courtney Stodden is 40 if she’s a day. This chick is killing me. Yet, I can’t….stop…watching. Clearly pleased with the results of her equally skanky pumpkin patch photo shoot, she and her not disgusting at all husband, Doug Hutchinson, decided for a Christmas shoot as well. The results:
Gorgeous, just gorgeous. Please forgive me if you thought I lost my senses and started posting porn this morning. Where can I get an armband? I feel like it would really add a little something to my outfits at the office. I hope my co-worker gets to his desk for anyone else does:
Well, we are a mere six days away from Christmas, I didn’t take any time off this week and I still have yet to finish my shopping. Good one. I just haven’t been able to snap out of my holiday reluctance this year. We went to the mall this weekend to take Ava to see Santa and I swear I would have freaked out if one more person had bumped into me. I’ve always been a bit claustrophobic in crowds but it seems to be getting worse. In fact, all of my little idiosyncracies are getting worse. I might be turning into Larry David. That or I’m being inhabited by the ghost of Andy Rooney.
I see the resemblance.
And let’s just say her visit with Santa didn’t go so hot. I ended up in the picture as well. So I am dreading going back to the mall. I managed to get a lot of stuff online but I waited so long I ended up paying an arm and a leg for expedited shipping , so I’ve got to bite the bullet and get out there. Plus, I have found myself just goofing around online looking at stuff like this:
Why are his shorts bunched up his butt? Who thought this was ok? Someone at Nordstrom was feeling saucy I think.
I bought the best present for Ava of course. She’s two and won’t remember this Christmas and I probably would’ve saved a pretty penny and bought her a book or something, but look at this beauty:
I wish this was my kitchen.
I figure if I’m also going to be stuck playing with it, I better like it too.
I thought I had posted this yesterday, but my brain occasionally goes on vacation and apparently I did not. So here are my pins for last week.
Want, want, want. This would be perfect for my conference next month. Is it too late to start a Christmas list?
Man, I want this one too! I love a good leopard print. Not like my past 1990’s leopard stretch-pant wearing, going to the club-self of course. More a modern day add a piece of flare self.
This person is kind of my hero. I wonder long it took to finish this bad boy. More importantly, I wonder what it will look like in 20 years. No, nevermind. I don’t really want to know.
And lastly, the almighty basset. My husband is slightly obsessed with them. It most certainly will be our next dog. You know, in another 5 years or so. We are NOT getting another dog anytime soon. Plus, dear old Max the chihuahua is 12 and we all know chihuahuas live to be a million. God help me and everyone around me when Max isn’t around. I’m starting to tear up just thinking about it. Why did I think about that? Good lord.
Oh, God…look at this one. Now I’m just making it worse.
What an awesome week I’m having (in the blog world anyway!) I just received my second Versatile Blogger Award, thanks to the incredibly funny From Nonsense to Momsense. This funny lady is an author, blogger, freelance writer, comedian, corporate speaker, filmmaker and mom. So you can imagine just how excited I am that she picked me. Please do yourself a favor and hop on over to her blog.
While I would love nothing more than to give a shout-out to some other fellow-bloggers, this is the second award I’ve received in one week. Not that I like to toot my own horn of course.
But I’m afraid it would be repetitive to post the same list again. You can find the original list here: http://wp.me/pROJ9-nV . Also, if you hop over to Pooter & Booger’s Place who I awarded earlier this week, she posted a great list of bloggers. I’m just checking them out myself, but I’m liking what I see on that list.
Thank God I just found this. Because I have been struggling to get through the US Postal Service answering service for 15 minutes and I need a distraction. Is it any wonder they are soon to be non-existent? Seriously, 15 minutes. I have turned into that crazy woman in the office yelling at no one. Today is my husband’s birthday and his present is MIA. Not a happy camper over here. By the time someone picks up the phone I am going to be so furious.
Anyway, this video is hilarious. Only time will tell if the show will actually turn out to be this funny. Either way, this is pretty accurate. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve said “are you near a computer?” Just ask my sister. Pretty sure she doesn’t find me irritating at all. But I’m hopeful about the show because Juliette Lewis makes an appearance (hopefully to stay.) Of course, that would mean her band “Juliette and The Licks” won’t be back in town any time soon, but I’ll live. This started as a parody twitter account and became so popular that they turned it into a web series. Kudos to the writers for being smart enough to go this route and not risk ruining the hilarity like they did with “Sh*t my dad says.” My apologies Camille Grammer.
This is probably going to be my new favorite thing.
Oh, good, I am officially on hold now. That’s progress, right?
Mommy Needs A Pinot 
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