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So I Met A Guy

19 Jan

So I met this guy.  And no, it’s not what it sounds like.  I met this person through a friend.  So he’s a friend of a friend that I was just “lucky” enough to meet.  Probably best to leave it at that in case anyone ever comes across this. He is the absolute worst. I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt.  Contrary to popular belief, I do not always hate on sight.  I initially thought he was gay as a matter of fact. And I was actually a little excited to add some diversity to the atmosphere of the group. But then I saw his girlfriend. Who he made fun of. To her face. And not really in a funny way.  He only refers to her as “babe.” She was also gorgeous and he is definitely not.  So the whole thing was quite confusing to me.  But I moved on and tried to give him another shot. The problem is, he’s also slightly socially awkward, so having a discussion can be difficult.  Or so I thought anyway.  Then I  finally came to the realization that he was not really interested in talking to me.  He is also not amused by me.  You should have seen the look on his face when I made a joke.  It probably wasn’t the funniest thing I’ve ever said, but he literally did not even acknowledge that words had come out of my mouth. I don’t care if you don’t like me. We don’t all have to like each other.  But at least be polite. My friend says that “he hates women.”  So he’s THAT guy.

I honestly could care less, so I just forget about him.  Then we all head to a holiday party.  We end up in a car heading over together which is obviously awkward.  I have a car and he needed a ride.  I’m nice (well, I was nice until I wrote this blog about him.) At some point he mentions his girlfriend.  As if I care where his girlfriend is. I also still don’t know her name, because he continues to refer to her as “babe.” He then makes an effort to tell me about every going on in the city that he knows about.  Ok, you’re cool, I get it.  I’m going home after this to be with my kid, I don’t care.  After we get to the party and he has a few drinks he turns to the stereo and pops in some Jimmy Buffet and cranks it. Didn’t bother to ask anyone, mind you.  So now I’ve got a Parrot Head on my hands.  I thought I was going to die where I was standing.  We all carry on what we are doing while he’s standing there swaying along and nodding his head. I just can’t get behind Jimmy Buffet. I like beer as much as the next guy. Not to mention tropical beaches, palm trees, and breezy, summery pop songs. But “Margaritaville” and “Cheeseburger in Paradise” make me want to shoot my ears off.  And I’m not sure that’s even possible. I have to stop thinking about Jimmy Buffet before this gets ugly.  Moving on…

Saturday afternoon.  It’s a lovely, yet strangely warm, 65 degree day in December. I walk by Starbucks and who do I see sitting outside working on his laptop? That’s right. There he is. And not only is he working on his laptop (he’s not that busy, I assure you,) but he’s got his earpiece on while he’s typing at a rapid pace. And he’s wearing a tank top. A tank top. “Hey everybody, come and see how good I look.”  My friend drew up a little illustration for me.  He’s not sitting, but you get the idea of what I’m dealing with.

I’m hoping he was coming from the gym before heading to Starbucks to look busy.  Maybe the tank top would be more acceptable.  For some reason, I found myself thinking about what music he would listen to at the gym.  And then I drafted (with help) the ultimate d-bag playlist.  The commentary next to some of the songs is not my own, but due to its hilarity I am leaving it in.

 
Party Rock – LMFAO
Sexy and I know it – LMFAO
Shots- LMFAO
It’s getting hot in here – Nelly
I’m too sexy – Right Said Fred
Back that ass up- Juvenile
I know you want me- Pitbull
Bringing Sexy Back- Justin Timberlake
This is why I’m hot -A Guido
Boom Boom Boom – Black Eyed Peas
Dog Pound – Snoop
Air Force Ones – Nelly ft St. Lunitics
Nookie – Limp Bizkit (this song was the shit back in 6th grade)
Best I’ve Ever Had – Drake (this song was chosen bc you wanna show your girl you still miss her while liftin them weights…shorty knows what I mean)
Empire State of Mind – Jay Z (all New Yorkers love this song and its a great song to listen to before heading out for a weekend trip to NYC after hitting the heavy bag at the gym)
99 Problems – Jay Z
In the Club – 50 Cent
Livin on the Edge – Aerosmith
Sandstorm
We Must Stand Together – Nickleback
Tonight – Enrique Iglesias
Look at Me Know – Chris Brown

Feel free to add-on to the playlist.  I’m going to dj at the gym next week.  Ok, that’s a lie.  But feel free to add-on anyway if you so choose.

 

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Top 10 Annoying People of 2011

21 Dec

And here ladies and gentlemen are the top ten people who made me want to crawl under a rock this year.

10. Dan Snyder (Still)

How I hate thee. You are the worst thing to happen to the Redskins in their entire history and they are doomed until you sell the team. From the second you showed up in 1999 the team has sucked. Might have something to do with the fact that the Redskins have had seven head coaches in twelve years. Year after year you blow money on expensive free agents and trade away draft picks for older players. Why a team of old men is better suited to win games than a group of strapping young men is completely beyond me. Pretty sure I know more about football than you.

You can read about his threatened lawsuit again the City Paper here: http://www.washingtoncitypaper.com/blogs/citydesk/2011/02/02/snyder-sues/

9. Everyone from Jersey Shore

I myself am a reformed Jersey Shore watcher. It finally got to the point when I just said “what am I doing?” These people are famous because they are spoiled, drunken brats. And because of the show they now have books, workout videos, and even vodka sponsorships. Why in God’s name didn’t I have a reality show when I was younger? I would be SO RICH. Also, hasn’t anyone else noticed that these people are all creepy looking? I’m not sure if creepy is even the right word. But it sure is nicer than saying ugly. And I am so nice. This is the world we live in and its actually quite sad.

 
8. Herman Cain

 
I hate talking politics. So I’m not doing a deep dive here. But I’m almost entirely convinced that Herman Caine ran for president merely to get more chicks. So it was extra cool when he suspended his campaign by saying that his wife and family come first. And then he followed that up by using a quote from Pokemon. I love when stupid outdoes itself. How entertaining for me.

 
7. Ke$sha.

I don’t even know where to start on this one. Oh, wait, yes I do. There is a MOTHER-EFFING DOLLAR SIGN IN YOUR NAME. Thank you for encouraging young girls to go drink a handle of whiskey and then drive around looking for dudes twice your age. And you “sing” like a cat in heat. There is so much to hate about this girl, but I think I’ll leave it here before I go off on a rant and end up pissed off for the rest of the day. No one wants that.

Five seconds away from being chosen for Mugatu's 2011 Derelicte campaign.

 

6. Charlie Sheen

This is kind of a no-brainer.  What a shit-show.  While I admit I was pretty entertained at first it got old pretty quickly ( http://wp.me/pROJ9-bK). If I hear someone say WINNING one more time.  Get over it.

5.  Lindsay Lohan

Lindsay, do yourself (and everyone else) a favor and just go away.  You have killed your reputation and probably most of your brain cells and irritated the living crap out of the rest of us.  Enough is enough. Plus, your plastic surgery face is depressing. But Hugh Hefner says this of her playboy shoot:  “this is a born-again beginning for Lindsay. I think there’s a rooting interest for her.” Right.

the face of an angel

4. Nickleback

I’m not sure if Nickleback really belongs on this list.  Because they are actually the most annoying band of all time. I am fairly certain that anyone not a pre-teen will agree with this.  According to Urban Dictionary:

a mediocre somewhat popular nu-metal band, this time, from Canada, which isn’t a surprise considering their musical track record (Avril, Celine Dion, Barenaked Ladies, etc). Lead singer Chad is an extremely nasal “Marlboro Man” type vocalist who sounds constipated on a permanent basis. Guitar consists mostly of easy-to-play power chords that give the band a “tough” sound to the untrained ear, but a closer look reveals a band that has nothing to offer creatively. They were recently exposed recycling their music in their two hit singles, “How You Remind Me” and “Someday”, which sound nearly identical when played simultaneously.

 3. Michaele Salahi

Poor Michaele.  The Real Housewives of DC were the first of the Housewives series to be canceled.  Someone should have told her that DC is where reality television goes to die.  Then she gets kicked off of Celebrity Rehab.  You know, because you need to actually be addicted to something other than stupid. She was obviously already on the list with her famous White House crashing incident. She also told everyone that she was a former Redskins cheerleader, which has proven false.  But I’m keeping her on the list this year mainly due to the fact that she ran off with Neal Schon, guitarist for Journey. One because its Journey and two because we’ve had to listen to all the whining from her equally irritating husband Tareq.  Also, Schon was two months into a new marriage which he stated he was leaving to be with Michaele.  Her name isn’t even Michaele. It’s Michelle.

2. Glenn Beck (Still)

Glenn Beck is so stupid that I actually laugh at a lot of what he says.  When my dad isn’t in the room at least.  There was the time he said Obama was racist, or the time he compared Al Gore to Hitler, or the time he said those people losing their homes in California to the forest fires had it coming.

My favorite:

“When I see a 9/11 victim family on television, or whatever, I’m just like, ‘Oh shut up’ I’m so sick of them because they’re always complaining.” –”The Glenn Beck Program,” Sept. 9, 2005

Stephen King once called him “Satan’s mentally challenged younger brother.”  Seems right coming from him.  (Is that guy ever not thinking about something scary, btw?)

1. Kim Kardashian

I cannot tell a lie.  I’ve seen Keeping up with the Kardashians.  More than once.  But I swear it was only a few times.  I will not turn it on in fear that I will be sucked into that nonsense again.  Kim Kardashian’s voice is so God awful that I cringe whenever she opens her mouth.  Do I even need to go into the wedding/divorce catastrophe? I don’t care if she did it for publicity or love. I just want people to stop talking about it. If you keep talking about it she will NEVER go away.  I asked my sister if she actually knew where any Kim’s clothes were sold and she was like “yeah, Sears.”  There was no hesitation in her voice.  FML.

And let’s not forget this little number.  So much talent.

Runners up: Ashton Kutcher, Miley Cyrus, A-Rod, the rest of the Kardashians and Michael Lohan.

This is obviously a pretty hateful list.  But that’s just what I do.  Plus, doesn’t it depress you to know that this is the world we are raising our children in? This is why I always have my nose in a Harry Potter book or why I’ve read Peter Pan and the like one million times.  Even as an adult, I struggle with the reality of our world around me.  I hate these people.

Merry Chirstmas Courtney

20 Dec

Someone make it stop.  Because I just can’t look away from this train wreck.  I’m sorry, but Courtney Stodden is 40 if she’s a day.  This chick is killing me.  Yet, I can’t….stop…watching.  Clearly pleased with the results of her equally skanky pumpkin patch photo shoot, she and her not disgusting at all husband, Doug Hutchinson, decided for a Christmas shoot as well.  The results:


Gorgeous, just gorgeous. Please forgive me if you thought I lost my senses and started posting porn this morning.  Where can I get an armband? I feel like it would really add a little something to my outfits at the office.  I hope my co-worker gets to his desk for anyone else does:

My maturity level is astounding.

 

 

Christmas Countdown

19 Dec

Well, we are a mere six days away from Christmas, I didn’t take any time off this week and I still have yet to finish my shopping. Good one. I just haven’t been able to snap out of my holiday reluctance this year. We went to the mall this weekend to take Ava to see Santa and I swear I would have freaked out if one more person had bumped into me.  I’ve always been a bit claustrophobic in crowds but it seems to be getting worse.   In fact, all of my little idiosyncracies are getting worse. I might be turning into Larry David. That or I’m being inhabited by the ghost of Andy Rooney.

I see the resemblance.

And let’s just say her visit with Santa didn’t go so hot.  I ended up in the picture as well.  So I am dreading going back to the mall. I managed to get a lot of stuff online but I waited so long I ended up paying an arm and a leg for expedited shipping , so I’ve got to bite the bullet and get out there. Plus, I have found myself just goofing around online looking at stuff like this:

Why are his shorts bunched up his butt? Who thought this was ok?  Someone at Nordstrom was feeling saucy I think.

I bought the best present for Ava of course. She’s two and won’t remember this Christmas and I probably would’ve saved a pretty penny and bought her a book or something, but look at this beauty:

I wish this was my kitchen.

I figure if I’m also going to be stuck playing with it, I better like it too.

Sh*t Girls Say

13 Dec

Thank God I just found this. Because I have been struggling to get through the US Postal Service answering service for 15 minutes and I need a distraction.  Is it any wonder they are soon to be non-existent?  Seriously, 15 minutes.  I have turned into that crazy woman in the office yelling at no one.  Today is my husband’s birthday and his present is MIA.  Not a happy camper over here.  By the time someone picks up the phone I am going to be so furious.

Anyway, this video is hilarious.  Only time will tell if the show will actually turn out to be this funny.  Either way, this is pretty accurate.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve said “are you near a computer?”  Just ask my sister.  Pretty sure she doesn’t find me irritating at all.  But I’m hopeful about the show because Juliette Lewis makes an appearance (hopefully to stay.) Of course, that would mean her band “Juliette and The Licks” won’t be back in town any time soon, but I’ll live.  This started as a parody twitter account and became so popular that they turned it into a web series.  Kudos to the writers for being smart enough to go this route and not risk ruining the hilarity like they did with “Sh*t my dad says.”  My apologies Camille Grammer.

This is probably going to be my new favorite thing.

Oh, good, I am officially on hold now.  That’s progress, right?

20 minutes and counting…..

 

Why does this job exist?

6 Dec

I just told my friend that I quit my job to do this and he believed me. That can’t be good.  Now someone explain to me why this job exists.  Must “sign dolls in and out of the salon.”  What?  They are just dolls people.  Is it weird that I am kind of creeped out by this?  Also, they should hire me to edit their ads before they go out. Because I know how to spell “dining.”

| My Career Center | View Job Cart | Back to Job Search |

Doll Hair Stylist Req Number: 110455
Location(s): Washington DC         Responsibilities:
Be one of our stars at American Girl

American Girl is a new retail and dinining experience that provides greater opportunities for American Girl fans to experience the brand in a fun and casual enviroment, located at the Tysons Center Mall, in Mclean Virginia.

Girls can shop the boutique for their favorite American Girl books, dolls, accessories and experience our signature Doll Hair Salon.

We currently have a part time opening for a Doll Hair Salon Stylist.

Purpose of Position:
*To provide doll hair salon styling services to customers
*Answer questions, provide excellent customer service
*Sign dolls in and out of the salon
*Style doll hair according to company standards, demonstrating proper hair care techniques
*Conduct inventory of salon supplies and stocking area for ease of work, and communicate needs to management Requirements:
Experience/Skills:
*A special affinity for working with customers and a minimum of 6 months work experience in customer relations (sales or service) is preferred
*Ability to style hair (braiding and pony tails specifically)
*Must enjoy public speaking, children and possess a warm and friendly demeanor

Must be available to work weekends. We offer a competitive salary and 401(k) plans and a 30% discount on merchandise.

Please apply via our website http://www.mattel.com/careers/ or in person at our American Girl store, between the hours of 10:30am – 4:30pm, Monday thru Friday, at Tysons Corner Center, 8090L Tysons Corner Center, McLan VA 22102.

American Girl is an Equal Opportunity Employer. Mattel is an Affirmative Action/Equal Opportunity Employer

 

Fat Attack

15 Nov

I just came across this article describing a woman who went to McDonald’s at 3AM in search of dinner and became enraged when she found out they were only serving breakfast and then turned on her boyfriend.   I know what you are thinking. “Fat.”  Or “That b is crazy.”  And I agree of course.  But it also reminded me of what will go down in history in our house as the night of the “fat attack.”

In early summer I went on a serious diet. One week I went way overboard. How many days can you eat nothing but cabbage soup? More than I would’ve thought, it turns out.  I should have known better.  One Friday night at the end of a long, hungry week my husband asked me what I wanted for dinner. You would have thought he had just told me that someone had died.  I thought about cabbage soup and it sent me over the edge. Through sobbing tears I shouted “I want something fat!” Actually, I may or may not have shouted it more than once, but no matter. So my dear husband (who was clearly struggling not to laugh at that point) said ok and went out.  Twenty minutes later he came back with cheeseburgers.  And then all was right in the world again. Nothing solves a problem like a cheeseburger you know.

But one more day and I might have been that lady at McDonald’s. See the whole article here:

http://freerepublic.com/focus/f-news/2807338/posts?page=72

Spotted

4 May

You guys can say what you want, but I couldn’t help myself.  I spotted these bad boys at the bank.  I was at least discreet when I took this picture. I think. There were always those rumors about Tom Cruise wearing lifts to look taller, but I don’t think I have ever seen them up close and personal until now.

That is at least an inch thick in the front of the sole and what – two, three inches in the back?  Poor man.  My co-worker didn’t believe me until he googled and found other examples:

I don’t really know what’s going on in the picture below, but it seemed fitting.  Does Arnold wear lifts?

There is really no excuse for these. There is nothing wrong with being short fellas.  Embrace it!

Disclaimer:  I realize that some people have one leg shorter than the other and I am not making fun of it.  Look closely and you will see they are both the same shoe (do I still look like a jerk?)

My beautiful Mommy

22 Mar

I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around this.  Is it me, or is our society surpassing ridiculous?

http://www.mybeautifulmommy.com/

We all have our issues with body image.  God knows I have mine. They were passed down from my mother, who got hers from my grandmother.  Looking back, I’m not sure who was worse between the two of them.  To this day my mother will ask if she looks ok 47,000 times before leaving the house and it was inevitable that some of her behaviors would rub off.  But I am not a plastic surgery fan.  I can understand it to a certain extent.  I obviously have no issue with correctional surgeries after accidents, or reconstructive surgery after mastectomies or defects that may be psychologically debilitating.  But surgeries just for the sake of being admired by others is dangerous business.  Most people are looking for a quick fix for emotional issues.  I’m fairly certain therapy is cheaper. Plus, its addicting.  Don’t you people watch tv?  Perhaps I watch too many Real Housewife shows, but it grosses me out.  The plastic faces and huge lips are frightening.  Is that what everyone is going to look like in our future?  Is Joan Rivers the future role model for women?

I’m not judging over here.  To each his own.  And I’m certainly not one to ever make decisions for anyone else.  But I still don’t like it.  “Honey, mommy’s not sick, she just hated her face, so she had to get it fixed.”  If you want to look like this, please be my guest:

http://wp.me/pROJ9-bt

I will still be friends with you.  I think.

What to do when the worst happens.

15 Mar

Maybe one of you readers can help me out here, because I’m at a loss.  For those of you expecting something funny, today is not the day.  I’m off my game.  And there’s really no way I can make the following funny.  My worst nightmare came true this weekend.  Our dog bit our daughter.  And not just a little nip.  A full on bite to the face.  She’s a min pin and was sitting on the couch and was therefore at eye-level with my daughter who walked over to her.

A little history:

I grew up with a lab and always considered myself to be a “big dog person,” but when I was 20 I came across a chihuahua that was being abused and more or less kidnapped the little thing.  And then I was a changed person.  God knows I was not responsible enough for my own dog at 20 years old, but I made it work and loved and cared for him to the best of my ability.  To this day I can’t leave a room without him at my heels.  He is the definition of a momma’s dog. For years I explained to him that I was capable of going to the bathroom by myself, but I gave up a long time ago. A little over a year later I was on my balcony at my apartment building and looked down to see a box of puppies.  My boyfriend at the time begged me not to go down there.  He knew all would be lost.  Naturally, I marched right down there.  One sob story later and I’m the owner of a tiny four week old min-pin that had virtually no time with its momma.  But what does a 21 year old know about that?  No warning bells went off in my head that this may lead to problems down the line. And even if they had there’s no telling whether I would’ve cared or not. That dog was mine and I loved her neurotic little butt to pieces.  We went to puppy school and she learned commands, but she hated the other dogs.  We tried dog parks but she still hated the other dogs.  She was fine with my other dog and with my parent’s dog, but that seemed to be it.  After awhile, I just came to terms that she was not a “dog park kind of dog.”  I was just young and stupid and had no idea how to raise an animal.  But she was little and therefore pretty manageable.  She really is a sweet little thing.  She loves to snuggle and kiss and sit in your lap.  And she is ok with dogs once she gets to know them. She just needs to be introduced a few times and then she’s fine.  I’ve had other roommates with dogs and we always did just fine.  But she has had zero exposure to children before now.  When Ava was a baby she was fine.  Both dogs just sort of sniffed her and seemingly adjusted very well.  They just sort of went about their business.  But now Ava is 17 months old and she wants to play constantly.  She chases them and pulls and tugs at them and petting is more of a smack.  She’s not old enough to understand yet.  The dog nipped her hand a few weeks ago and Big Daddy insisted we get rid of her before something really bad happened.  But I couldn’t bear to part with her.  And it was just a tiny bite.  I insisted that I would keep them separated.  And I did. From then on I kept a close eye on them and kept them apart the majority of the time.  The dog hid from her so that part was easy. I just kept Ava distracted.  But over the weekend we were at the in-laws and I was in the next room helping them with something on their computer.  Next thing I know I hear screaming and crying.  I run into the room to a terrible scene which I won’t describe here. We head to the emergency room but fortunately she doesn’t need stitches.  And she was actually over the event withing ten minutes.  But I have yet to get over it of course. Yesterday she was looking for the dog under the bed yelling “Beeeeeeeeeeee” which is what she calls her and it broke my heart, but also served as a reminder that she just can’t be told yet to leave the dog alone.

So, needless to say we had to give the dog away.  She’s at my parents until we can find a home for her.  I’m secretly hoping my father will come around and just keep her.  I don’t think their dog is crazy about her, but its not unmanageable.  I’ve had her since she was four weeks old, so she’s never known anyone else and I don’t know how she would adapt to a stranger.

Has anyone else every had to deal with something like this?  I obviously can’t bring her home and risk another incident, but I can’t stop crying over her.  I’m holding out hope that the rents will hang on to her until Ava is old enough to understand but I think I’m just blinded by my love for her and should start looking for a new home for her now.

If anyone has Ceasar Milan’s phone number, please pass it along, because I’m pretty sure he could send her to the pack and all will be well.   I am perfectly aware that I sound insane, but I submitted a letter to him this morning.  Because let’s be real here. I’m 30, I’m a mom and I love animals pretty much the same way a six year old does.  So I spend a lot of Friday nights laying on the couch watching back to back episodes of the Dog Whisperer.

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