I got Punk’d by Urban Outfitters

Except they are dead serious.

I will admit, I have had a love/hate relationship with Urban for years.  When they first opened up they were great.  You’d walk in, find a sweater that you, omg, like, have to have or you’ll die.  Where do I get $138?  Moooooooommmmm!   They basically sold kids an identity.  They just sold all of the kids that came into the store the exact same identity.  Nothing new here.  It’s just that everything was crazy overpriced.  And you’d think that once kids got older and learned the value of a dollar they would outgrow the store.  Nothing has changed and I get why kids/young adults shop there.  Been there, done that.  But I still see a lot people my age (ok, maybe a little younger in some cases) wearing this stuff.  FYI, you silly little hipsters, you aren’t witty or unique for shopping here.  You just look like everyone else.  Everything is mass-produced, and badly.  Everything I have ever purchased at Urban started to pill or fall apart pretty quickly. But then there are the times that I love Urban Outfitters.  I still have the omg I have to have that or I’m going to die moment.  I just accept the fact that I’m spending way too much money on something that won’t last.

So all of this being said, I just came across the Early Fall catalog and now I just flat-out don’t get it.  Someone has got to be playing a joke on all of us.  If I had the time or space to dissect every single page I would (and could) but it’s too much for my brain to handle.

Let’s just start with the cover.  First of all, where are they getting these people?  Aren’t models supposed to be good-looking?  These kids look like heroin addicts.  And not in a Kate Moss kind of way.  Plus they look like they’ve just walked out of a Good Will and made a killing.  Which would be preferable.

Ok, here we are at picture number two and that guy with the haircut is already annoying me.  Why is he smirking like that?  Oh, wait, I see.   It’s because he took the laces out of the chick’s boots on the right.  She was obviously too distracted trying to turn her blank stare into the blue steel when he was doing so.  She needs more practice. Hopefully we’ll all see her fall on her face before we’re done here.

Ah, yes.  The classic game of shared cup.  I always win at this game. “Hey dudes, after this let’s go to the diner.  I’ll bring my man clutch.  And my stupid haircut.”  “Sweet, I have a big stain on my sweater, but I’m going to wear it anyway.”

Ok, this one might be my favorite.  Why the fuck is that guy crying???  Maybe if he got better at playing shared cup he wouldn’t be such a sore loser.  I can’t even describe what else is going on here.  Dude on the left must be into yoga.   And I don’t know where this blond guy came from, but hopefully he can cheer up the rest of the group.

THIS GUY.  What are you wearing on your feet?  Those are lady moccasins!  Take those off right now!  I mean, your friend looks like a bama too, but you are just out of control.

Swing kids meet School Ties?  Guy on the left is pissed because he’s getting beat up after school and he knows his friend is going to bail on him to hang out with the new chick in the weird library.  “I’m sorry man, I got to touch fingers with Stacey.  Couldn’t make it.”

I don’t think I even need to touch this one.  Get worse Urban Outfitters.

What, are you writing for Leno now?

There is nothing less funny, or annoying for that matter, than a person who thinks they are funny when they really aren’t.  You know that guy.  We all know that guy.  He’s the one walking around impersonating Borat like anyone has given a shit in three years, not to mention that the movie sucked anyway.  But you’re just glad he stopped repeating every line from Anchorman that he had been reciting since 2004 so you let it go.  Or better yet the person who runs around yelling “I’m Rick James Bitch!”  You’re not Dave Chapelle.  There’s that one neighbor that you try to duck from but always seems to be getting home at the same time as you. You try to pretend like you’re digging around your car for something to waste time so he’ll go in the house.  But no matter, they’re going to wait for you so you can chat.  And then as always, he starts talking about his day as if his boss is Steve Carrell, although the events of the day aren’t funny and you’re pretty sure he made half of it up anyway. Then he laughs like he’s Chris Rock on a HBO special and fifteen minutes have passed and you still haven’t made it to your door, despite the subtle tiny steps you’ve been making trying to get there.  Then there’s the guy from high school that you manage to run into every time you go out.  Your best attempts at hiding behind the person next to you never work and you’re always spotted.  Next thing you know you’re “catching up” and listening to the same borderline racist jokes, (lame accent included) he tells you every time you see him.  The indian guy behind the counter at 7-11 talks like what?  Say something else.  Oh, wait, I get it.  Hilarious!

These people kill me.  And lately I seem to be surrounded by them.  There is this one chick that always talks to me in a british accent.  Well, a british accent to her.  I have yet to figure out what it actually is, other than terrible.  Mind you, there is no real reason for her to be speaking in a british accent anyway.  She just does it because she thinks its funny, not caring that it has nothing to do with the actual subject matter.   Is that you Gwyneth Paltrow?

And all things aside here people, I think I’m pretty funny.  At least some of the time.  But I know when I’m not funny.  And I think that’s key.  Although then I think back to how unfunny I was and then I laugh at myself.  A win-win for me really.

So I’m trying to figure out what to do to let these people know they aren’t funny without looking like a total jerk.  I’ve tried the avoidance thing.  It clearly doesn’t work.  And if they aren’t catching on to that, they aren’t going to catch on to your fake laughter either.  Now, if it’s a friend of mine that tells me a lame joke, I tell them it was a lame joke.  But what about everyone else?  Give them a blank stare?  Pretend you’re just stupid and tell them you don’t get it?  I’m starting to think there is no way around this.  I just have to be a jerk.  “Hey, that wasn’t funny.”  I’m doing them a favor, right?

Also not funny by the way, is the facebook group “People that think they are funny that really aren’t.”

http://www.facebook.com/pages/People-That-Think-They-Are-FUNNY-When-They-Are-NOT/182160831183#!/pages/People-That-Think-They-Are-FUNNY-When-They-Are-NOT/182160831183?v=wall

Not that that’s a surprise.  No I don’t want to buy one of your t-shirts.  I just spent my money traveling back in time to the 90s to pick up one of those I’m with Stupid shirts.  You remember…they had the arrow underneath it so the person next to you is stupid. Get it?

I really do strive to be nice.  But my patience only goes so far. Someone please tell me how to deal with these people.  Let me know and I’ll give you my I’m stuck with Stupid shirt.

This is how you quit a job.

I love this chick.   She’s fed up with her boss, Spencer, and emails her resignation via email.  Hilarity.  Jury is still out on whether or the Spencer in question is Spencer Pratt.

Thank you for snoring.

So after a long night of listening to you know who snoring, my loud sighing, kicking and elbowing seemed to pay off.  He wandered off to the couch about 4:30am leaving me with a solid two hours of sleep.  Poor thing doesn’t always snore, so I appreciate him getting up.

Anyhoo, during this two hours I dreamed I had time and money to kill and found myself wandering around a mall.  I walked into the largest kiosk I’ve ever seen.  Although It was more like a long table than a kiosk.  It was filled with the most fabulous jewelry I have ever seen.  And everything was under $20.  The best part was that there was no one there but me.  I had it all to myself!  Have you ever wandered up to a kiosk or a display table just to have someone walk right in front of you?  It’s the most annoying thing in the world.  “Excuse me, I was looking at those.”   So as I am slowing becoming the most fabulous lady, maybe ever, my alarm clock went off.  And I was tired, not wearing any jewelry and without time and money to burn.  Worst wake-up EVER.  Not to mention that I seemed to think it was a good idea to switch my alarm to a rooster crowing.  I can’t recommend it.  Unless you like being frightened out of bed.  And after the ten minute snooze its just as surprising, believe me.

By the way,  if you are into fabulous jewelry like myself, please check out:

http://paloma81.blogspot.com/2010/08/stella-and-dot-giveaway-liv-multicharm.html

They’ve got a great giveaway going.  I can’t resist.

Thanks to the Arcade Fire, who never let me down.

The Arcade Fire  has never once let me down.  And they are so much more than that to me.  Every lyric hits me like a knife through the heart. The first time I heard them I knew I was hooked through and through.  Funeral was the greatest thing I had heard in so long. Then there was the night when we listened to them camping.  I think it was the fall of 2006.  My friends and I were sitting around eating, drinking and sharing stories.  We were under a sky full of stars and Crown of Love came on and I made everyone stop to  listen and tears came to my eyes.  Yes, this band makes me THAT girl.  I literally cried.  I’m sure it had something to do with the stories being shared, not to mention the beer, but that song sent me over the edge.  I’m not even embarrassed, although I have yet to live it down. I have so many memories in connection to this band.  Memories of people, places and events.  There’s nothing like driving through the mountains in Washington State with Funeral playing in the background.  I can’t think of anything more beautiful.  Even though we had been camping for days and there were six people, camping gear and luggage packed in a rented mini van and a few who shall remain nameless that smelled less than downy fresh, but it was still beautiful.  I realize I’m starting to sound like a dirty hippie, but it can’t be helped.

I first saw them live in 2007 in my least favorite venue ever.  And there was a tall couple in front of me (never a favorable position when you’re my height) who had clearly been dating for all of thirty seconds because they made out the majority of the time when they weren’t standing on tip toes and whispering in each others ears and giggling.  If it were at another venue where there was more room to move I wouldn’t have cared. You’re happy, good for you, but PLEASE GET OUT OF MY WAY THIS IS MY FAVORITE BAND.  All of that aside though, the concert was amazing.  The sound was great, everyone in the band was so involved, instruments were being passed around and there was a general feeling that we witnessing an Arcade Fire version of a cirque du soleil show.

The new album came out last week and I pre-ordered so I’d have it the second it was available.  It arrived three days before the concert and I went to town listening over and over again.  I still haven’t decided how I feel about it in comparison to Funeral, but its much better than Neon Bible.  They have you hooked within seconds of the first song.  So I knew I wouldn’t be disappointed if they decided to focus on the new album at their concert.  Minus a small mishap with a drum machine, the show was amazing.  I danced like an effing fool.  Didn’t think twice about it.  Now let’s throw in my one of my best friends who has been out of the country the better part of five years in attendance with her more than pleasant husband dancing the entire show through with me and my night was pretty much epic.  Thanks to my other bff and Big Daddy for capturing the pictures, which will not be seen by the wider world, but I will keep forever to laugh at.  The band played about half of the new album, but also played some of my favorites from Funeral.  Love that ‘Wake Up’ was a part of the three song encore.  We stayed for the entire thing without a thought about the getting out of the venue traffic.  This is not a concert that you leave early.

Thank God they didn’t play Crown of Love.  I probably would’ve fallen on the ground crying or something equally ridiculous.  You should have seen the hugging as it was.   There were no “I love you mans” being said or anything, but there was a repeated “You’re number one….you’re number one.”  I love that girl.  I wish someone had taped it so we could laugh at ourselves later.

Somethin’ filled up
my heart with nothin’,
someone told me not to cry.

But now that I’m older,
my heart’s colder,
and I can see that it’s a lie.

Children wake up,
hold your mistake up,
before they turn the summer into dust.

If the children don’t grow up,
our bodies get bigger but our hearts get torn up.
We’re just a million little gods causin’ rain storms turnin’ every good thing to
rust.

Let’s get down to business. Gaga business.

Time to get serious here people.  I have 35 days until the Lady Gaga concert.  Wtf am I going to wear?  It’s got to be good and I need to figure it out soon so I have time to make the costume.  God knows I’m not going to a Lady Gaga concert without getting dressed up.  One thing is for sure though, leotards are out.  I would also prefer to not look like a giant skank when I leave the house.  So that cuts a lot of her outfits out.  Pretty sure that was never a problem for my dear old mom.  So here are my top three looks that I am using as inspiration.  Comments and suggestions as to my direction are welcome.  I better learn origami, stat.

I’m fairly certain the night is going to be epic.  Not to mention that its taking place on my birthday.  Happy birthday mommy, time for pinot!

Can you tell me how to get, How to get to Sesame Street?

Who knew technology is booming in Sesame Street?

I work for a techie company and even if it isn’t exactly my thing, I must say I’m pretty on top of when new things are out or are on the horizon. I like having the latest cell phones and I like being able to use everything even if I don’t own them. But something funny happened the other day. It was a Saturday morning I just couldn’t get myself going. So after getting my little one up and changed, I plopped her in her activity center with her snack and turned on Sesame Street. I try not to expose her to too much television, but I just needed a few minutes to wash my face and get my caffeine. A caffeinated mom is much better than one trudging through the morning, trust me.  And its Sesame Street for God’s sake.  So I pull myself together and go and sit next to her and look up to see Oscar the Grouch digging for something. A moment later he pops up with his Blackberry. Yes, his blackberry. Is this what the world has come to? As much as I love technology, I just cannot make myself like this.  I am not buying my child a blackberry.  And she’s not playing on a computer all day.  I just read that 31% of kids under the age of 3 are using computers.  I want to play barbies, leggos and catch.  I guess I need to train myself too.  I don’t leave the room without my phone these days.  What if I miss an important Jersey  Shore cast update?  I’m horrible.  I guess its time to practice what I preach.  But its going to be a long road.

Shame on you Oscar the Grouch!