Oh, you’re hip alright.

I work in DC and have a limited number of places to eat lunch in the particular neighborhood surrounding my office, minus sit-down restaurants.  But no one has time for that.  So every time something new opens up that isn’t a Subway, we all make a beeline for it.  Yesterday I was doing a search for a new sandwich shop called Devon & Blakely (which turned out to be delightful, btw) and found a review for the D&B in NYC.  The review was written by someone by the name of Mr. Hipster.

Your Hipster Guide to Things Hipsterish

This guy could not be more self-righteous if he tried.  Apparently, he is the expert in all things books, movies, music and food.  To my dismay, there is no comment section for me to publicly call him a tool.  He probably did this on purpose.  I can see this guy pretty clearly in my mind.  Flannel shirt (over an obscure band t-shirt,)  jeans that are way too tight with some ridiculous looking mustache walking around trying to prove that he is more hip than you.   I used to love the stache.  The manly Tom Selleck.  Not the skinny child molester look that has become so popular now that even that look is overdone. Anyway, Mr. Hipster, show yourself.

Let’s read one of his album reviews together, shall we?
The Hold Steady
Heaven is Whenever

This is one of those bands that I think I always liked conceptually more than I liked in practice. I was a big fan of Craig Finn’s old band, Lifter Puller. Those dudes were drunken nutjobs fronted by a dude who seemed to actually go out of his way to be annoying. They were Les Savy Fav’s drunken bar band hillbilly cousins. The Hold Steady has become something else–a real band. This album, especially, feels like someone watched over them in a studio twiggling knobs and shaving the rough edges. Funny then, that this sounds the most generic and formulaic bar-bandy and dated of their recent albums (see “The Smidge”). Granted, I do like the opening song, “The Sweet Part of the City,” which couldn’t sound more like a beer-soaked country, bar band ditty (despite its excellent production). Maybe it’s a matter of finding that balance somewhere between the chugging mid-90s alt band and the twang that seems to suit them better as an aging rock band settling into their post-party days–somehow more reflective and less in the midst of a party that’s passed them by. It’s not to say I couldn’t listen to Finn sing his twisting narratives all day long, but while he’s dialed down the similes and wordplay that used to dominate his songwriting, now he’s settled into a bit of a formula that unfortunately shows off the musical limitations of his band.

Now, who can tell me what he is really saying? *For the record, I think The Hold Steady is a shitty band and I have been unfortunate enough to see them live more than once and I was unhappy both times.

I got Punk’d by Urban Outfitters

Except they are dead serious.

I will admit, I have had a love/hate relationship with Urban for years.  When they first opened up they were great.  You’d walk in, find a sweater that you, omg, like, have to have or you’ll die.  Where do I get $138?  Moooooooommmmm!   They basically sold kids an identity.  They just sold all of the kids that came into the store the exact same identity.  Nothing new here.  It’s just that everything was crazy overpriced.  And you’d think that once kids got older and learned the value of a dollar they would outgrow the store.  Nothing has changed and I get why kids/young adults shop there.  Been there, done that.  But I still see a lot people my age (ok, maybe a little younger in some cases) wearing this stuff.  FYI, you silly little hipsters, you aren’t witty or unique for shopping here.  You just look like everyone else.  Everything is mass-produced, and badly.  Everything I have ever purchased at Urban started to pill or fall apart pretty quickly. But then there are the times that I love Urban Outfitters.  I still have the omg I have to have that or I’m going to die moment.  I just accept the fact that I’m spending way too much money on something that won’t last.

So all of this being said, I just came across the Early Fall catalog and now I just flat-out don’t get it.  Someone has got to be playing a joke on all of us.  If I had the time or space to dissect every single page I would (and could) but it’s too much for my brain to handle.

Let’s just start with the cover.  First of all, where are they getting these people?  Aren’t models supposed to be good-looking?  These kids look like heroin addicts.  And not in a Kate Moss kind of way.  Plus they look like they’ve just walked out of a Good Will and made a killing.  Which would be preferable.

Ok, here we are at picture number two and that guy with the haircut is already annoying me.  Why is he smirking like that?  Oh, wait, I see.   It’s because he took the laces out of the chick’s boots on the right.  She was obviously too distracted trying to turn her blank stare into the blue steel when he was doing so.  She needs more practice. Hopefully we’ll all see her fall on her face before we’re done here.

Ah, yes.  The classic game of shared cup.  I always win at this game. “Hey dudes, after this let’s go to the diner.  I’ll bring my man clutch.  And my stupid haircut.”  “Sweet, I have a big stain on my sweater, but I’m going to wear it anyway.”

Ok, this one might be my favorite.  Why the fuck is that guy crying???  Maybe if he got better at playing shared cup he wouldn’t be such a sore loser.  I can’t even describe what else is going on here.  Dude on the left must be into yoga.   And I don’t know where this blond guy came from, but hopefully he can cheer up the rest of the group.

THIS GUY.  What are you wearing on your feet?  Those are lady moccasins!  Take those off right now!  I mean, your friend looks like a bama too, but you are just out of control.

Swing kids meet School Ties?  Guy on the left is pissed because he’s getting beat up after school and he knows his friend is going to bail on him to hang out with the new chick in the weird library.  “I’m sorry man, I got to touch fingers with Stacey.  Couldn’t make it.”

I don’t think I even need to touch this one.  Get worse Urban Outfitters.