Get out of my way dork.

It has just come to my attention that the office is going on a segway tour.  A SEGWAY TOUR.  I hate segways.  Not only do I find people on them incredibly lazy, but beyond the highest level of dorkdom.  I don’t think that sentence even makes sense.  But I’m frazzled by the thought of this.

The first time I saw one of those things I was appalled at the complete stupidity of the contraption. There wasn’t one second where I thought, “wow, that’s cool.”  It was more like “get off the fucking sidewalk.”  How lazy do you have to be to ride on one of them?  You’re just standing there!  Disabled people should protest this mockery.  Seriously, you have working limbs, you are clearly standing on the thing, so use them.  And furthermore, if you are a tourist, aren’t you aware that you are already ridiculed by the people who live there?  It doesn’t matter where you are.  That’s just the way it is.  Its baffling to me that people think this is a good way to see the city.  Maybe I would hate less if they didn’t take up the entire sidewalk.  There’s nothing worse than being in a rush to a meeting, or even on the way to lunch and having to move out of the way for a lame-ass segway tour.  Nice fanny pack.  It matches your helmet.

This goes against everything I stand for.  I might as well wear crocs.

LOOK AT THESE FUCKING GEEKS.

Worst line-up ever

What a disappointing email.  I don’t remember signing up for the “worst music ever” mailing list.  But I still got this email this morning.  I’m not going to bother posting the schedule.  Get worse Dave Matthews.  I hope Eddie Vedder punches you in the mouth and then whines because his hand hurts and goes home.

Maturity is my middle name

I knew today was going to be a good day.

So I talk about my best friends all the time.  And there’s one in particular.  I’m just going to call her M.  And my friend at work calls her the Fight Club because no one has ever met her.  So this afternoon we started prank calling her.  Makes sense, right?  You don’t know this person, so let’s see how much we can irritate her.  Not sure how we actually came to it, but somehow proving that she is real became prank calling her.  But it’s hilarious and distracting us from our work day, so who cares?  We’ve also been thinking about pranking the new kid at work and figured we could kill two birds with one stone.  We’ve now called M seven times and hung up on her.  She finally called back and we transferred it to the new kid only to look up and see him coming back from the bathroom.  So we missed him.  But because M is amazing, she left him a voicemail although it’s clearly his name and not mine.  That’s right, she knows my work number.  So it’s not even really prank calling.  We’re really just be annoying.  But we keep doing it anyway.   I can’t wait for her to call back again so I can pretend I can’t hear her.  “hello?  hello?”  And then I’m transferring her to the new kid.

Seriously, this is the highlight of my day.

*Note*  I’ve seen this girl prank call with the best of them in her day, so she’s really got it coming anyway.

D is for Drama

I just added both Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson to my twitter feed.  I am very excited to see how this affects my day.  On a related note, I just put a copy of this month’s Star magazine on my co-workers chair.  I don’t think he believed me when I described my level of celebrity gossip addiction to him yesterday.  I’m off to a good start today.

Techno Viking

For those of you unfamiliar with the Techno Viking mentioned in my previous post, here he is.  Prepare to have your mind blown.

Five reasons to love Alexander Skarsgard

There are really way more than five, but you’ve got to start somewhere.

1.  Look at him.

He was voted Sweden’s Sexiest Man Alive five times and is the sexiest vampire, maybe  ever.  Even better is that he plays a vampire that is actually a 1000 year old viking.  I mean seriously, what a bad ass. The only Viking more bad ass is the Techno Viking.

2.  Earth to Meekus.  I was pleasantly surprised when I realized he was in Zoolander.  He knows stuff about hair gel and enjoys orange mocha frappuccinos.

3.  He served in the Swedish military and still lives in down the street from his parents.  He’s a patriot and a family man!

4.  Who else could look this cool while wearing an eye patch?  Thank you Lady Gaga.

5.  He’s actually an amazing actor.  He was famous in Sweden long before he made it big over here.  If you haven’t seen Generation Kill yet, put it on your to do list.

Forgive me for going on like an over excited teenage girl, but some things can’t be helped.  If I had a trapper keeper his name would be all over it with hearts doodled around his name.

Dear Starbucks, you ruined my afternoon.

I am a crazed calorie counter.  It’s a part of my daily routine and is kind of second nature at this point.  You can find lists for pretty much everything on-line now.  If it weren’t for wine and chocolate I’d be in amazing shape.  But now I’ve gone for my afternoon starbucks (yes, afternoon starbucks, as in I go there every afternoon) and they had a booklet sitting out listing their calories.  I couldn’t help but pick it up.  I didn’t want to know and now I’m quite  distressed.  And now that I know I have to include this in my daily log.  Hasn’t anyone heard of ignorance is bliss?  Get bent Starbucks.

Coolest Guy ever

So I was just denied a friend request on facebook.  This has never happened to me.  If this was five, ok, three years ago, I would probably be very upset.  But now I find it hilarious.  I’ve known this person since high school.  Let’s call him “the Hottie” as it is pretty close to his nickname in high school.  I don’t think its necessary for me to mention how many years ago this was.  He was a year older than me and dated a friend of mine, which is how I was initially introduced.  I had previously watched him from afar and I seriously thought he was the coolest guy ever.  But as a sophomore I pretty much thought every older guy was the coolest ever.  And then I got to know him.

The first time I heard his voice was through a telephone while talking to my friend  “Allison, where is that bowl with all the holes in it?”  After five minutes of back and forth we realized he was looking for the colander.  Genius.  Then time went on and they broke up and she moved across country.  But we had mutual friends and still hung out. The next thing I know he’s off getting a tattoo.  Which seemed extra cool at that age.  Turns out he went and got a flesh-colored tattoo.  That’s right, a tattoo that you can only see if you know it’s there.  A flesh-colored lizard.  Awesome.  The next thing I know I’m hanging out at his house with some friends.  We went upstairs into his room where I discovered his recording equipment.  Here I am thinking he’s a musician and I’m getting ready to ask him about it when he explains that he records all of his telephone conversations with people so he can remember them.  At 16 I guess I didn’t find it that weird.  I was not a smart 16 year old.

Then came the period of time when I realized he was really a crazy person.  A sweet, kind crazy person.  But crazy is crazy.  He started delivering pizzas in his sweet Suzuki.  You always knew it was him because his passenger door was a different color.  He smoked so much pot while driving around I don’t know how he didn’t actually eat the pizzas he was delivering.  But other than that, I will leave out the details just in case someone ever tells him about this.  Except for this one story, because it’s too good not to tell.  The hottie was a big fan of the Howard Stern show.  He used to call in occasionally and they’d actually take his calls.  He recorded them all of course.  In 2001 they spent a few days talking about the Chandra Levy case.  So the hottie thinks it would be funny to call in the show to discuss.  Actually, I don’t know what he was thinking, he could have been serious for all I know.  But he told Stern that he was out on the Potomac that morning and saw “Chandra Levy’s big jewish nose floating up the river.”  So that did it.  Stern is Jewish and he was pissed, so he banned the hottie from calling into the show.

The last time I saw this person was three years ago getting thrown out of a bar.  He was yelling my name across the room as he spotted me, but I pretended I didn’t know him.  I think after all of this I would deny me as a friend too. 

Save me Frodo

So I follow Stephen Colbert on Twitter because he’s hilarious, obviously.  And yesterday he tweeted that he wished there was a meal between breakfast and brunch.  So what do I do?  I respond with what seemed like seemed a perfectly good answer.  Not even thinking that I have no business responding to Stephen Colbert in the first place.  I tell him that there is a meal between the two, called “second breakfast.”  Moments later I remember that this is actually what the hobbits call it and that it doesn’t actually exist, unless you live in Middle Earth.  Fucking Lord of the Rings.  I swear to God I used to be cool.

Oh snap ya’ll.

This is a very important lesson coming to you from the divarettes.  I find it very helpful in my day to day life.   As a matter of fact, I just used the Medusa Snap on my co-worker.  Bitch better recognize.

Watch and learn.  And don’t get it twisted.