Desk Comedy

I found an envelope on my desk this morning:

The red ink is intriguing, no?

IT's JIMMY

Oh, good.  A Jimmy Buffet cassette tape. Useful in so many ways.

I am surrounded by comedians.

 

So I Met A Guy

So I met this guy.  And no, it’s not what it sounds like.  I met this person through a friend.  So he’s a friend of a friend that I was just “lucky” enough to meet.  Probably best to leave it at that in case anyone ever comes across this. He is the absolute worst. I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt.  Contrary to popular belief, I do not always hate on sight.  I initially thought he was gay as a matter of fact. And I was actually a little excited to add some diversity to the atmosphere of the group. But then I saw his girlfriend. Who he made fun of. To her face. And not really in a funny way.  He only refers to her as “babe.” She was also gorgeous and he is definitely not.  So the whole thing was quite confusing to me.  But I moved on and tried to give him another shot. The problem is, he’s also slightly socially awkward, so having a discussion can be difficult.  Or so I thought anyway.  Then I  finally came to the realization that he was not really interested in talking to me.  He is also not amused by me.  You should have seen the look on his face when I made a joke.  It probably wasn’t the funniest thing I’ve ever said, but he literally did not even acknowledge that words had come out of my mouth. I don’t care if you don’t like me. We don’t all have to like each other.  But at least be polite. My friend says that “he hates women.”  So he’s THAT guy.

I honestly could care less, so I just forget about him.  Then we all head to a holiday party.  We end up in a car heading over together which is obviously awkward.  I have a car and he needed a ride.  I’m nice (well, I was nice until I wrote this blog about him.) At some point he mentions his girlfriend.  As if I care where his girlfriend is. I also still don’t know her name, because he continues to refer to her as “babe.” He then makes an effort to tell me about every going on in the city that he knows about.  Ok, you’re cool, I get it.  I’m going home after this to be with my kid, I don’t care.  After we get to the party and he has a few drinks he turns to the stereo and pops in some Jimmy Buffet and cranks it. Didn’t bother to ask anyone, mind you.  So now I’ve got a Parrot Head on my hands.  I thought I was going to die where I was standing.  We all carry on what we are doing while he’s standing there swaying along and nodding his head. I just can’t get behind Jimmy Buffet. I like beer as much as the next guy. Not to mention tropical beaches, palm trees, and breezy, summery pop songs. But “Margaritaville” and “Cheeseburger in Paradise” make me want to shoot my ears off.  And I’m not sure that’s even possible. I have to stop thinking about Jimmy Buffet before this gets ugly.  Moving on…

Saturday afternoon.  It’s a lovely, yet strangely warm, 65 degree day in December. I walk by Starbucks and who do I see sitting outside working on his laptop? That’s right. There he is. And not only is he working on his laptop (he’s not that busy, I assure you,) but he’s got his earpiece on while he’s typing at a rapid pace. And he’s wearing a tank top. A tank top. “Hey everybody, come and see how good I look.”  My friend drew up a little illustration for me.  He’s not sitting, but you get the idea of what I’m dealing with.

I’m hoping he was coming from the gym before heading to Starbucks to look busy.  Maybe the tank top would be more acceptable.  For some reason, I found myself thinking about what music he would listen to at the gym.  And then I drafted (with help) the ultimate d-bag playlist.  The commentary next to some of the songs is not my own, but due to its hilarity I am leaving it in.

 
Party Rock – LMFAO
Sexy and I know it – LMFAO
Shots- LMFAO
It’s getting hot in here – Nelly
I’m too sexy – Right Said Fred
Back that ass up- Juvenile
I know you want me- Pitbull
Bringing Sexy Back- Justin Timberlake
This is why I’m hot -A Guido
Boom Boom Boom – Black Eyed Peas
Dog Pound – Snoop
Air Force Ones – Nelly ft St. Lunitics
Nookie – Limp Bizkit (this song was the shit back in 6th grade)
Best I’ve Ever Had – Drake (this song was chosen bc you wanna show your girl you still miss her while liftin them weights…shorty knows what I mean)
Empire State of Mind – Jay Z (all New Yorkers love this song and its a great song to listen to before heading out for a weekend trip to NYC after hitting the heavy bag at the gym)
99 Problems – Jay Z
In the Club – 50 Cent
Livin on the Edge – Aerosmith
Sandstorm
We Must Stand Together – Nickleback
Tonight – Enrique Iglesias
Look at Me Know – Chris Brown

Feel free to add-on to the playlist.  I’m going to dj at the gym next week.  Ok, that’s a lie.  But feel free to add-on anyway if you so choose.