Sometimes I feel like I’m surrounded by idiots.

Then I go here:

http://holymaurymotherofgod.tumblr.com/

 

 

YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER.

Steven Tyler has gone bananas.

Someone get me an appointment with Steven Tyler’s plastic surgeon.  Not because I want any work done or anything.  But because I want to smack him.  Steven has always had that signature mug with that huge mouth.  I bet he could eat his mic if he wanted to.  But is it me, or is something slightly off these days?  Take a look:

Look familiar?

That’s because he looks like he’s just walked off the set of Planet of the Apes.

I mean, I imagine Steven’s face may show age more than others.  Dude’s had some hard living.  But when you’re starting to resemble your primate counterpart its time to take a time out.

what the heck is a r k fire?

This is the best thing I’ve seen today.  I want to school the entire country on the english language. And then perhaps ban text talk.

whoisarcadefire.tumblr.com

 

 

 

 

 

Three Signs You’ve Given Up On Life

(1) You get up to go to the bathroom only to come back to your desk and see that you’ve been sitting in food.  Not ok.

 

(2) You just heard that Beavis & Butthead was coming back to MTV and got STOKED.  huuhh huuuhhh huuhh

(3) You are going to your parents tonight…Friday night.

I am really cool.

Two left feet

So like many other parents, I wanted to have some nice photos of my child taken before she gets too big.  Not that I don’t take a million pictures of course, but I thought it would be nice to have them taken by a professional.  We planned all week for it.  She’s going through what I call her “mommy phase” and doesn’t like to be more than a few feet away from me, so getting her to sit still was not going to be an easy task.  But she was given a singing Tigger for Christmas, so I hoped that would be distracting enough.  God knows I have heard that Tigger sing 40,000 times.  So I throw Ava in a dress, pretend that her precious hair isn’t completely unruly, grab Tigger and some other “props” to use as a distraction and we’re off.  Tigger was distracting enough for her to sit there, but not distracting enough for her to not rip the bow out of her hair.  She just won’t wear one.  After all of this effort, we’re there and she’s sitting still with Tigger and all is going well.  There were a few classic shots of her trying to get up and a nose picking incident, but it was all pretty easy.  We head home and I’m thinking about the rest of our day when I look down to take her shoes off and they are on the wrong feet.  After all of the effort, I have her shoes on the wrong frigging feet.   What planet am I on?  I got the pictures back last night and I must admit they are pretty hilarious.   At least we have something funny to look back on.  Sorry Ava.  Mommy is slow sometimes.

 

Never underestimate the power of editing

Anyone catch Jon Stewart on Bill O’Reilly?  Here’s what really happened.  Some of you may have thought that Jon Stewart held back.  He did, thanks to the editors over at Fox.

Fox actually put the unedited version of the interview up on its site, and the difference is astounding.

I love Jon Stewart as much as I dislike Bill O’Reilly.

“I know what this is. I come from Jersey—it’s the same thing: “I’m not saying your mother’s a whore. I’m just saying she has sex for money. With people.” Fox News used to be all about, you don’t criticize a president during wartime. It’s unacceptable, it’s treasonous, it gives aid and comfort to the enemy. All of a sudden, for some reason you can run out there and say, “Barack Obama is destroying the fabric of this country.”

I got Punk’d by Urban Outfitters

Except they are dead serious.

I will admit, I have had a love/hate relationship with Urban for years.  When they first opened up they were great.  You’d walk in, find a sweater that you, omg, like, have to have or you’ll die.  Where do I get $138?  Moooooooommmmm!   They basically sold kids an identity.  They just sold all of the kids that came into the store the exact same identity.  Nothing new here.  It’s just that everything was crazy overpriced.  And you’d think that once kids got older and learned the value of a dollar they would outgrow the store.  Nothing has changed and I get why kids/young adults shop there.  Been there, done that.  But I still see a lot people my age (ok, maybe a little younger in some cases) wearing this stuff.  FYI, you silly little hipsters, you aren’t witty or unique for shopping here.  You just look like everyone else.  Everything is mass-produced, and badly.  Everything I have ever purchased at Urban started to pill or fall apart pretty quickly. But then there are the times that I love Urban Outfitters.  I still have the omg I have to have that or I’m going to die moment.  I just accept the fact that I’m spending way too much money on something that won’t last.

So all of this being said, I just came across the Early Fall catalog and now I just flat-out don’t get it.  Someone has got to be playing a joke on all of us.  If I had the time or space to dissect every single page I would (and could) but it’s too much for my brain to handle.

Let’s just start with the cover.  First of all, where are they getting these people?  Aren’t models supposed to be good-looking?  These kids look like heroin addicts.  And not in a Kate Moss kind of way.  Plus they look like they’ve just walked out of a Good Will and made a killing.  Which would be preferable.

Ok, here we are at picture number two and that guy with the haircut is already annoying me.  Why is he smirking like that?  Oh, wait, I see.   It’s because he took the laces out of the chick’s boots on the right.  She was obviously too distracted trying to turn her blank stare into the blue steel when he was doing so.  She needs more practice. Hopefully we’ll all see her fall on her face before we’re done here.

Ah, yes.  The classic game of shared cup.  I always win at this game. “Hey dudes, after this let’s go to the diner.  I’ll bring my man clutch.  And my stupid haircut.”  “Sweet, I have a big stain on my sweater, but I’m going to wear it anyway.”

Ok, this one might be my favorite.  Why the fuck is that guy crying???  Maybe if he got better at playing shared cup he wouldn’t be such a sore loser.  I can’t even describe what else is going on here.  Dude on the left must be into yoga.   And I don’t know where this blond guy came from, but hopefully he can cheer up the rest of the group.

THIS GUY.  What are you wearing on your feet?  Those are lady moccasins!  Take those off right now!  I mean, your friend looks like a bama too, but you are just out of control.

Swing kids meet School Ties?  Guy on the left is pissed because he’s getting beat up after school and he knows his friend is going to bail on him to hang out with the new chick in the weird library.  “I’m sorry man, I got to touch fingers with Stacey.  Couldn’t make it.”

I don’t think I even need to touch this one.  Get worse Urban Outfitters.

What, are you writing for Leno now?

There is nothing less funny, or annoying for that matter, than a person who thinks they are funny when they really aren’t.  You know that guy.  We all know that guy.  He’s the one walking around impersonating Borat like anyone has given a shit in three years, not to mention that the movie sucked anyway.  But you’re just glad he stopped repeating every line from Anchorman that he had been reciting since 2004 so you let it go.  Or better yet the person who runs around yelling “I’m Rick James Bitch!”  You’re not Dave Chapelle.  There’s that one neighbor that you try to duck from but always seems to be getting home at the same time as you. You try to pretend like you’re digging around your car for something to waste time so he’ll go in the house.  But no matter, they’re going to wait for you so you can chat.  And then as always, he starts talking about his day as if his boss is Steve Carrell, although the events of the day aren’t funny and you’re pretty sure he made half of it up anyway. Then he laughs like he’s Chris Rock on a HBO special and fifteen minutes have passed and you still haven’t made it to your door, despite the subtle tiny steps you’ve been making trying to get there.  Then there’s the guy from high school that you manage to run into every time you go out.  Your best attempts at hiding behind the person next to you never work and you’re always spotted.  Next thing you know you’re “catching up” and listening to the same borderline racist jokes, (lame accent included) he tells you every time you see him.  The indian guy behind the counter at 7-11 talks like what?  Say something else.  Oh, wait, I get it.  Hilarious!

These people kill me.  And lately I seem to be surrounded by them.  There is this one chick that always talks to me in a british accent.  Well, a british accent to her.  I have yet to figure out what it actually is, other than terrible.  Mind you, there is no real reason for her to be speaking in a british accent anyway.  She just does it because she thinks its funny, not caring that it has nothing to do with the actual subject matter.   Is that you Gwyneth Paltrow?

And all things aside here people, I think I’m pretty funny.  At least some of the time.  But I know when I’m not funny.  And I think that’s key.  Although then I think back to how unfunny I was and then I laugh at myself.  A win-win for me really.

So I’m trying to figure out what to do to let these people know they aren’t funny without looking like a total jerk.  I’ve tried the avoidance thing.  It clearly doesn’t work.  And if they aren’t catching on to that, they aren’t going to catch on to your fake laughter either.  Now, if it’s a friend of mine that tells me a lame joke, I tell them it was a lame joke.  But what about everyone else?  Give them a blank stare?  Pretend you’re just stupid and tell them you don’t get it?  I’m starting to think there is no way around this.  I just have to be a jerk.  “Hey, that wasn’t funny.”  I’m doing them a favor, right?

Also not funny by the way, is the facebook group “People that think they are funny that really aren’t.”

http://www.facebook.com/pages/People-That-Think-They-Are-FUNNY-When-They-Are-NOT/182160831183#!/pages/People-That-Think-They-Are-FUNNY-When-They-Are-NOT/182160831183?v=wall

Not that that’s a surprise.  No I don’t want to buy one of your t-shirts.  I just spent my money traveling back in time to the 90s to pick up one of those I’m with Stupid shirts.  You remember…they had the arrow underneath it so the person next to you is stupid. Get it?

I really do strive to be nice.  But my patience only goes so far. Someone please tell me how to deal with these people.  Let me know and I’ll give you my I’m stuck with Stupid shirt.

This is how you quit a job.

I love this chick.   She’s fed up with her boss, Spencer, and emails her resignation via email.  Hilarity.  Jury is still out on whether or the Spencer in question is Spencer Pratt.

Thank you for snoring.

So after a long night of listening to you know who snoring, my loud sighing, kicking and elbowing seemed to pay off.  He wandered off to the couch about 4:30am leaving me with a solid two hours of sleep.  Poor thing doesn’t always snore, so I appreciate him getting up.

Anyhoo, during this two hours I dreamed I had time and money to kill and found myself wandering around a mall.  I walked into the largest kiosk I’ve ever seen.  Although It was more like a long table than a kiosk.  It was filled with the most fabulous jewelry I have ever seen.  And everything was under $20.  The best part was that there was no one there but me.  I had it all to myself!  Have you ever wandered up to a kiosk or a display table just to have someone walk right in front of you?  It’s the most annoying thing in the world.  “Excuse me, I was looking at those.”   So as I am slowing becoming the most fabulous lady, maybe ever, my alarm clock went off.  And I was tired, not wearing any jewelry and without time and money to burn.  Worst wake-up EVER.  Not to mention that I seemed to think it was a good idea to switch my alarm to a rooster crowing.  I can’t recommend it.  Unless you like being frightened out of bed.  And after the ten minute snooze its just as surprising, believe me.

By the way,  if you are into fabulous jewelry like myself, please check out:

http://paloma81.blogspot.com/2010/08/stella-and-dot-giveaway-liv-multicharm.html

They’ve got a great giveaway going.  I can’t resist.