You used to be cool, Monopoly

I think this version of Monopoly could’ve single-handedly changed my entire childhood.  No more cheating? Someone always cheated in Monopoly.  My best friend had it down to a science.  You always knew he was cheating, but could never be sure exactly how.  He had lightening quick hands I suppose.

This version of Monopoly doesn’t use money in cash form and therefore has no designated banker.  No sliding $100 bills under the board to use later.  No swiping from the bank when the banker goes to the bathroom. You are given ATM-like cards which you slide in and out of a tower in the center of the board.  So when you pass go, you insert your card to receive your $200.  The tower uses infrared technology to keep track of money and make sure everyone follows the rules.  That’s right, infrared technology.   It has a speaker that announces the rules and makes sure you move the proper amount of spaces.  I don’t know about you, but I’m kind of afraid of the tower.  It’s starting to sound like the all-knowing eye of Sauron.  For those of you non-geeks, Sauron is the Dark Lord (of the Rings)who keeps an unceasing watch on the lands and kingdoms of Middle-earth. Basically, a badass.

So with free digital games everywhere, the board game market is not what it once was.  So the idea is to revive interest in kids.  I’m not a kid, so maybe that’s why I don’t like the sound of it. First of all, It’s called “Monopoly Live.”  Makes me think that Ryan Seacrest might be the voice in the tower. Also, there aren’t even dice to roll.  In order to move, you place your hand over your game piece and said scary tower tells you how many spaces you are allowed to move.  Hasbro execs are saying that kids today don’t want to bother with the rule books and that people don’t have attention spans like they used to or the time to dedicate to these types of activities.  I am fairly certain I had more attention span for Monopoly as a kid than I do now.  And if a computer is running the show, the need for skill is taken away.  Call me old-fashioned, but I thought that was kind of the point.  Not that I ever won.  Plus, I liked the idea that kids actually had to use their brains to count their money.  Now they don’t need to count or read.

I can’t seem to figure out whether there is a “Get out of Jail Free” card or not.  And if I don’t have that to argue over, then I definitely don’t want to play.

What do you mean 9-1-1 is broken?

As someone that needs to be constantly in the know, I sign up for email alerts in the city I live in.  At 10:30AM this morning I get an email saying  the county “is currently experiencing intermittent problems with the 9-1-1 system. If you call 9-1-1 and can’t get through, immediately call 703-741-3035.”   At first I don’t think much of it because I’m busy working.  Then at 11AM  I get another email telling me the same thing.  So now I stop to think about it.  What if I had an emergency and didn’t sign up for these stupid alerts?  I would have no idea.  I’m thinking that most people probably don’t get them as a matter of fact.  I continue thinking about it for a few minutes then get back to work.

I go to lunch and I come back to two more alerts.  Now I’m pissed.  What if my house was on fire?  What if I fall and can’t get up and don’t have one of those buttons?  What if…I don’t know.  There are a lot of  what-ifs.  But this is not cool people.  I imagine they may have had something on the news or local television.  But if I’m on the ground without a button to push I probably can’t get up to get the remote either.

I was THIS close to picking up the phone to call the police myself. Until I realized that I wouldn’t get anyone.  Genius.  Then I thought I would call my congress person. And then I realized that I was skipping my age group and skipping straight to old lady with six cats.  And I don’t even like cats.

So, here’s what I learned today:

(1) The police department in my city is severely underfunded and I should move

and

(2) I am a crazy person.

 

what the heck is a r k fire?

This is the best thing I’ve seen today.  I want to school the entire country on the english language. And then perhaps ban text talk.

whoisarcadefire.tumblr.com

 

 

 

 

 

It’s Grammy time.

I have a love-hate relationship with awards shows. I have to watch them. All of them. I just can’t stop myself. I think I wear the same few outfits over and over again but still follow fashion in a feverish manner. Big Daddy won’t even stay in the room. He hates them first of all, but he also knows I’m going to hate my way through the whole thing. He’s smart, that man of mine.

I hate the babble on these shows. Ryan Seacrest might the the most annoying person on the planet. Minus Joan Rivers and her soon to be equally terrifying looking daughter. But there’s no sign of any Rivers women during the Grammys, so I’m off the hook tonight. Annoying as they may be, I sit my butt on this couch and watch the entire pre-show so I can get a better look at what everyone is wearing (or not wearing.) So, I’m writing this as I watch. Here’s Kelly Osborne. Why is she everywhere now? She loses twenty pounds and now she’s a fashion expert? Don’t get me wrong, I give her credit for turning herself around and I saw her on the cover of Shape Magazine looking super hot, but I’m still not ready to follow fashion cues from her. To be fair, I felt the same way when Nicole Richie went through her transformation.  But where is Nicole now, anyway?

Dear God, Lady Gaga is bat shit crazy.  In another life I probably would’ve hated her.  But in this life, I effing love her.  I can’t believe she just showed up in an egg “incubating.”  Seriously, what?  I love how she still manages to surprise me. Her new single is totally a blast from the past Madonna style, but she is kind of the Madonna of our generation, so it makes sense in a way.

Ugh.  John Mayer.  Johnny Depp wants his haircut back. I don’t even want to talk about you.

TIA CARRERE????  Where the eff did she come from and who is that little dude with her?  He’s not worthy! He’s not worthy!

Kim Kardashian just called herself a bronze trophy.  Sigh.  I thought I would blog through this entire pre-show, but there’s too much hate.  At least the Arcade Fire is performing tonight. But in the meantime, Mommy is going to get a pinot.

Did I mention that I love award shows?

 

The Superbowl, a night for commercials and bad music.

I’m sorry, but I just want to watch football.  I sort of thought that was the point of the Superbowl.  I don’t want to watch lame car commercials or terrible musical acts perform.  All everyone is talking about today is the Halftime show and the pug commercial.  What about the football game?  What about how Aaron Rodgers is now considered on of the greatest quarterbacks in the league? The only thing better than Green Bay winning last night would be Green Bay winning followed up by Rodgers kicking Ben “I like to date rape women” Roethlisberger square in his baby maker before he runs off to molest someone else at a party.

And when did the Superbowl become such a consumerist orgy?  I won’t pretend that I don’t look forward to seeing the new Budweiser commercials, because I’m an old lady trapped in a young woman’s body and I love those damned clydesdales (even that was a total disappointment this year.)  But every year the rest of the commercials just get worse.  There are always one or two cute ones mixed in, but the rest are just pointless time wasters.  Tibet, Groupon? Really? Good thinking pissing off the demographic that actually purchases your deals.  Instead of paying $15 for half off of a $30 meal at a restaurant that is probably way overpriced anyway, I think I’ll just donate it straight to Tibet.  There are so many worthwhile organizations to choose from:
http://www.google.com/#sclient=psy&hl=en&q=donate+to+tibet&aq=f&aqi=g1&aql=&oq=&pbx=1&fp=d41f7d0c04a9ea99

There are so many things I want to say about the halftime show that its hard to start.  First of all, its really only there to entertain the people that don’t care about the game.  Kind of defeats the purpose, no?  It is a football game after all.  Not that I’m against entertainment, it just seems a bit much.  And I don’t know about you, but the very last group I want to watch is the Black Eyed Peas.  I think I’d be more entertained if Fergie got back on drugs and started wetting herself on stage again.  Ok, that’s a lie, but I just wanted to remind everyone about how lame Fergie is.  And Slash should be ashamed of himself.  That was the least rock and roll thing he could’ve done.

I know this has been circulating all over the web today, but just in case you still haven’t seen it, here is Christina Aguilera, who apparently doesn’t even know all the words to our National Anthem.  At least we know she wasn’t lip synching.

My apologies to those of you that actually enjoyed the circus that was the Superbowl last night, but I just think it would be nice, not to mention the right thing to do, to go back to making the Superbowl about football. I do like however that people have finally noticed that Pittsburgh’s coach Mike Tomlin is like the long lost twin of Omar Epps.  Seriously, its uncanny.

Three Signs You’ve Given Up On Life

(1) You get up to go to the bathroom only to come back to your desk and see that you’ve been sitting in food.  Not ok.

 

(2) You just heard that Beavis & Butthead was coming back to MTV and got STOKED.  huuhh huuuhhh huuhh

(3) You are going to your parents tonight…Friday night.

I am really cool.

Happy Birthday Elmo

I have just been informed by Sesame Street’s Twitter page (#SesameStreetHasTwitterPageWTF) that its Elmo’s birthday.  Due to the fact that my daughter finds Elmo much more interesting than me I think we’ll have to celebrate tonight.  I have been dying to find a reason to eat cake anyway.
Can I drink wine at Elmo’s birthday party?

El Sicko

I know that kids are no stranger to germs.  But no one told me that having a kid would make me sick all the time.  I am on my fourth cold of the season.  I’ve had a flu that left me in bed for three days and another stomach bug as well.  And I still have to get through all of February!  I have never been so sick in my entire life.  I eat fruits and vegetables everyday, I take vitamins, I exercise.  Somehow this seems unfair.  I now have anti-bacterial gel in every room in the house and have taken to spraying lysol constantly to kill germs.  Ava only has four other kids in her daycare, but they are on a never-ending cycle of germs.  One kid gets sick, passes it on to the next and then the next and so on.  And then Ava gets it again and brings it home to us too.  We never seem to get well enough to build up an immunity to anything.

Anyone else have this problem or have suggestions?

I complained to my own mother this morning and she told me to “make sure to wash your hands.”  Uh, thanks mom.