A lot changes when you have a child. Ok, everything changes. But things have continued to change for me over the past two years. And some things that I didn’t expect. One, I turned out to be a pretty decent mother (so far anyway.) It’s helpful that Ava is pretty agreeable I guess. But I think its more because I actually enjoy being a mom. And also because I know my limits. When I went back to work and had to leave Ava with a nanny I was anxious, terrified and miserable. But Ava is thriving there and I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t be counting in french by now if she were home with me all day. My nanny is actually amazing and she and her family all love Ava. And she (we) love them. Plus, I’ve come to realize that I need my grown-up time during the day. I have a lot respect for stay at home moms because I don’t think I could do it.
Speaking of work. I’ve gotten to a point where I actually kind of like it. Not love it, but like it. There are obviously “oh, my God I don’t want to go days,” but that goes for everyone. Not only that, but I feel like my job is going places. And that really only came when I started to enjoy it. I think it shows.
I’ve had to make some serious decisions over the people in my life in the past two years. There was a point in my life when my friends came first, before boyfriends, family, anything. I still love all of my friends dearly, but these things obviously change. I’ve had to take a step back from certain friendships. I seriously no longer have the mental capacity to deal with everyone’s drama. I wish I did, but I just can’t do it. I am naturally prone to becoming anxious and I realized that I was letting other people’s problems affect me. Not only that, but even now, when I have absolutely no drama in my own life, I’ve found that some people have still been saying things about me behind my back. I feel like a 16 year-old just saying the words “talking about me behind my back.” I don’t often go out and see people and there are some that still actually try to create drama for me by saying completely ridiculous things about me. The weirdest part about it is that I’m not even upset. If that’s the way you want to behave, fine. It’s your life. Although I would obviously prefer to be left out of it. The most recent example of this resulted in me calling one or two of my closest friends and then I actually laughed. It doesn’t even matter.
I am surrounded by people – friends, co-workers, family – that are going through incredibly difficult things in their lives right now. Break-ups, job nightmares, illnesses and other equally icky things. And while I remain true to my hater-self, I honestly have nothing to complain about. My life is far from perfect. Sometimes I don’t have the money to buy everything I want, sometimes I don’t have time to get everything done and sometimes I skip the gym and eat a billion cookies and then beat myself up for an entire night. I’ve had so many ridiculous goings-on in my past, that normal is pretty amazing to me. I am happy with my life. I have real love and experience real joy. I feel like things are falling into place for the first time in my entire life.
It’s Saturday night and I’m sure some of my friends are out having fun and I’m sitting on my couch catching up on my shows from the week. And I am completely content. In fact, this hater is downright cheery.