The Big Butt Chronicles

12 Apr

Every spring I actually do what I say I’m going to do at New Year’s and finally get my butt off the couch and get back in shape.  I am not a winter person and have a hard time motivating myself to leave the house…let’s face it, sometimes even the couch.  I am hoping and praying we move somewhere warmer in the next few years.  I really hate cold.  I don’t like bundling up and I see no point in winter unless there’s snow and I’m given some snow days from work.  Every year when February starts to come to a close I curse myself for being a fat-ass and start to get back into shape for summer.  But a funny thing happens after you have a baby.  Your body sucks at listening.  It just doesn’t bounce back the way it used to.  I used to be able to walk the pounds off when I wanted to pretty quickly.  But no longer.  So I’ve been getting down to serious business the past month or two.  Gym, bootcamp, diet, the works.  But my bootcamp instructor really amped the protein up in my diet and suggested protein shakes as well.  I’m no stranger to protein shakes, because I used to steal Big Daddy’s whey protein last year in the “get fit fast” spring and it really helped.  But this year with the added effects of the protein filled diet, the bootcamp and the ridiculous amount of squats and lunges I’ve been doing lately, something else has happened………..

My butt is friggin HUGE dude.  Like omg what the hell happened huge.  As if I got one of those brazillian butt implants or something.  I didn’t really notice at first.  But I was on the scale the other day for the first time in awhile and noticed I had put on a few pounds and couldn’t figure out why.  Then I put a pair of shorts on and found that they were tight in the legs.  Which is really weird for me.  I carry all of my weight in my stomach(and uh, boobs.)  Everything else generally stays the same size more or less.  I just tone up.  So after a minor meltdown I realize that the weight is all muscle because my legs are getting diesel.  I have added at minimum an inch in size to both.  This is soooo not the effect I wanted.  Don’t get me wrong, I think muscles are beautiful and a strong woman is a healthy woman.  But I don’t want to be diesel. At all.

I come from a family of pancake butts.  Seriously, that’s what my mom and aunts all say.  My butt has always been non-existent.  I kind of like having one now, I think, but any bigger and its going to be out of proportion to my body type and I have no desire to go all JLO on everyone.   I don’t know what I’m going to do.  I am afraid I’m going to start looking like this:


Except that my stomach is not looking diesel at all.  That I would gladly take.  So not fair.  The only thing I can think of to do is quit the protein shakes and maybe the daily squats and lunges.  And run….and run…and run some more.  But I’m a busy mom.  I work full-time.  I’m planning a wedding.  And I wish I were one of those super-moms that gets up at 5am to work-out before my day, but I’m not.  I don’t know how they do it.  When Ava has nightmares and I’m up with her for 30 minutes in the middle of the night, I just sleep in 30 minutes (if she lets me.) I am not good at losing sleep.  Even a little bit.  She’s getting close to two now and it can still be a balancing act trying to make everything work.   So running everyday is just not in the cards.  I get three work-out nights a week.  Four if I’m lucky.  But if you know me, you know I’m typically not lucky.

But here we are and I have never talked about my butt so much in my entire life and I can’t quit laughing.  I can’t quite believe I’m getting ready to hit the publish button.  If anyone has any suggestions on how to lose big butt status in a short period of time feel free to comment.




3 Responses to “The Big Butt Chronicles”

  1. Ben April 13, 2011 at 11:04 am #

    Maybe roll back the # of squats/lunges or the frequency of said workouts per week, but don’t quit them altogether. Also, I know exactly what you mean regarding the nova winters. They suck now that there’s very little snow to go along with the cold, gray days. You should check out Florida! ;D

  2. Renee Mason April 14, 2011 at 12:09 pm #

    Why does it always take the spring to acquire fitness religion? It’s the same at my house and we’re in NC, where winters aren’t quite as dreadful. Very funny post!

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